Thank you to Ron Dormer for videotaping this. You were so encouraging and patient with me and I stumbled through and started over many times. Thank you to Pastor Larry Hasmatali for giving me this opportunity to share Everlasting Love with the hearts of the people in our church. Thank you to Holy Sews for the use of their layette design and Teeny Tears for the diaper design.

Mercy Me - Homesick (Live)

3 years...could it really have been that long ago? So many memories come flooding back as, in my mind, I make my way through August 2, 2010. Tears are hiding within the memories and spring out when I least expect them.

Again this year we wondered how we would honour Zoe on her birthday. I wasn't really sure what my heart felt like doing this year. This week at VBS our kids have been learning about missions and about kids in other countries need our help. Through Compassion Canada our children's ministry sponsors a little boy.

Today our family chose a little girl. In honour of our little girl, we will give so that another little girl can dream with abandon and run & play without worry of where her next meal will come from.
Here name is Dilmi and she is from Sri Lanka. We chose Dilmi because her birthday was the closest to Zoe's of all the children there.

Our pastor contacted me last week as I sat trying to think of what we could do. He said that his sermon this sunday was going to be on suffering and how beauty can be found even in it's midst. He asked me to speak about how Everlasting Love began and what it is about. My heart started to pound...speak in public!?!?!?! Yikes!!! "Relax, it will be on video for our powerpoint," he says...okay, that's a little easier. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was a perfect way to pay tribute to our baby girl and the things her life has taught us.

After I retrieved my heart from my throat, I said that I would do it, after all, it would only serve to help others...right? Eeeek! Well now I had to come up with something to say. "Just speak from your heart." he said. If only that was possible without me crying the ugly cry.

I knew I had to plan out what I was going to talk about. After much prayer, I wrote out what I felt I should talk about and the video was recorded.
I pray that through it, women who have never been able to grieve yet, will realize that grief over the loss of their babies IS normal. When our babies are gone too soon, we still want to be able to mother them. We have to try to fit a lifetime of mothering into a few hours, sometimes into only a few moments. If the layettes that are donated allow mothers to feel even one ounce of comfort as they dress or hold their babies, I have accomplished what God laid on my heart.

In the next few weeks I intend on pulling out the sewing machine and I will let my heart, love, grief and joy pour out as I sew blankets, gowns & diapers. I will take pictures as I go so you all can see my progress :)

Happy Birthday angel baby. I love you with all my heart...

New Life, but what if?

The talk of more babies is in the air...In the past few months I have heard many friends thinking and planning another addition to their families.

Something I so badly want. I wanted to have a large family and I do have one in a way I guess. They are just not all here with me. My heart is beginning to stir, like the tiny new buds in spring on the trees.

Dare I begin to hope again...can I do this again?

Up until recently, I knew I wanted another baby, I just was not sure my heart was ready. I have been working so hard to get my body ready because I know I want to be able to have another baby, I just was not ready YET.

Some friends it is almost as easy as sitting on a toilet seat for them to get pregnant.

Some are able to plan according to ovulation calendars. For me it has not been that easy. Not at all.

I have tried, but it just has not worked out that way.

Now I feel the stirrings in my heart that it is soon time. I refuse to let my mind settle and stay on being afraid of having another miscarriage. Again, I am back to simply trusting. Trusting that whatever happens, God is going to be there with me. Trusting and praying that THIS time it will work. That THIS time we will hold a live, breathing, warm and wiggly baby in our arms.

Do I dare to believe? Some would say it will never happen if you don't believe. They say you have to first have a dream. Well I have a dream, in fact I have many, many of them. I have had dreams of rooms filled with babies, rows on rows of cribs lining walls, and all of these babies were somehow mine to love, care for and protect. I have had these dreams ever since I was a very little girl.

What if? The question that echoes in my heart and mind so much lately. How do I turn over all to Him?  I try to stand strong, to resist fear. I try to be the "good, solid christian" who does not allow fear in. I feel it's icy fingers more often lately. Loss brings fear, fear of the unknown, fear of that gut wrenching pain. I don't ever want to feel the pain of loss again...but what if...

Pregnancy and infant loss doesn't politely ask to become part of your life. It shows up uninvited, and robs you of the very thing you thought was sacred and untouchable.
I never thought it would happen to me personally, and I hear that same statement over and over from women around me experiencing loss.
Life is full of what ifs. If I am completely open and honest, some of them scare me. A lot.

A baby born alive after pregnancy or infant loss is called a rainbow baby. A rainbow is a symbol of hope and promise. Though our hearts desire a rainbow baby, the thought that remains in the back of our minds is, "What if we try and the pregnancy ends with a loss again?" Could we handle facing that pain again? Are we willing to take the risk? Can we be brave enough to try again? If we choose not to, can we swallow that empty spot that we felt was supposed to be filled? Even though the rainbow is a sign of promise, it may still have rain that accompanies it.

The weight of fear can become so great, I cannot carry it on my own. When I feel overwhelmed by it, I realize, it is not mine to carry. The yoke of it was removed from me long ago, if I would/could only give it over to Him. That seems easier said than done. It is a constant decision, you have to be able to catch fear at the earliest sign of it, and give it God. In the Bible it says that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but somehow I forget this in my humanity.

Next step, believing. Do I believe? Yes, I do. If I close my eyes, I can see our family. Our family has four, sometimes more, children running around us, but can it become a reality?

What is the key to making a pregnancy end successfully this time...is it if I believe enough, pray enough, have faith enough, am good enough, am healthy enough, am brave enough? The list could go on and on. But what it really comes down to is that I have no control over it. As much as I like to try and maintain control over things in my life I cannot control this. This is something that is completely out of my hands. So I find myself in the same position I was after Zoe was born, needing to trust.

Can I trust enough to do this again, acknowledging something I dare not speak out loud? In fact I don't even want to type it! What if? What if it doesn't work AGAIN?

My head tells me I can't take any more grief, but at the same time, my heart holds so much joy and so much love, I can't imagine not trying again. Many people refer to this journey as a dance between grief and joy, and it truly is that. There, amidst the most ugly, scary, horribly awful times, there is joy. There is peace. There is a sacredness because a child existed. A child was loved. So if my journey holds more grief, then I still continue this dance, after all, I am already here. My Dance Partner loves me and comforts me like no other. I know that despite my two left feet, He will guide me gracefully through and make my dance into a thing of beauty.