Tonight is a night my heart hurts so much it is hard to breathe. This is raw. The tears show no mercy. We buried our baby this week. I don't understand this at all. Lots of people talk to me about God's plan for all this, I don't want to hear it tonight.
The smile that is on my face, you think it is for real. Is it really?
These days I pretend life goes on. I smile through the days when I am sad. When night falls and I am alone, the tears come. At times so many tears have fallen, I can't even cry right. I was sitting here tonight trying to figure out where I am in all of this. I am frustrated, angry, blessed and thankful, hurt and broken hearted, loved and lost sometimes too. Some have a hard time understanding that, most of the time I can't understand it myself, so I smile.
Music, it brings a different level of depth to my tears. It speaks straight to my heart.
MercyMe has beautiful music that has spoken to my heart many times in the past.
The latest song of theirs that touches my heart is I Gotta Keep Singing
I know this heavy pain will not last forever, I have felt it and walked THROUGH it before.
This miscarriage is different than all the others. Harder, more painful to my heart in some ways. I will be honest, I am angry with my body this time. It failed me and it failed our baby. With all the other miscarriages, our babies died before they entered this world. This time was different. I saw fragile little life move, fight for life and then be still in my hand. I did not want to share this detail with many, but the weight of this "secret" is crushing my heart to keep it inside. Maybe I felt it should be a secret because I am ashamed that my body would betray our baby like this. I don't know.
What I do know is that like the song says, He is the One that keeps my heart beating and the only way I find healing is praising His name. I gotta keep singing. Jesus please sing over me, You are everything I need.
The smile that is on my face, you think it is for real. Is it really?
These days I pretend life goes on. I smile through the days when I am sad. When night falls and I am alone, the tears come. At times so many tears have fallen, I can't even cry right. I was sitting here tonight trying to figure out where I am in all of this. I am frustrated, angry, blessed and thankful, hurt and broken hearted, loved and lost sometimes too. Some have a hard time understanding that, most of the time I can't understand it myself, so I smile.
Music, it brings a different level of depth to my tears. It speaks straight to my heart.
MercyMe has beautiful music that has spoken to my heart many times in the past.
The latest song of theirs that touches my heart is I Gotta Keep Singing
I know this heavy pain will not last forever, I have felt it and walked THROUGH it before.
This miscarriage is different than all the others. Harder, more painful to my heart in some ways. I will be honest, I am angry with my body this time. It failed me and it failed our baby. With all the other miscarriages, our babies died before they entered this world. This time was different. I saw fragile little life move, fight for life and then be still in my hand. I did not want to share this detail with many, but the weight of this "secret" is crushing my heart to keep it inside. Maybe I felt it should be a secret because I am ashamed that my body would betray our baby like this. I don't know.
What I do know is that like the song says, He is the One that keeps my heart beating and the only way I find healing is praising His name. I gotta keep singing. Jesus please sing over me, You are everything I need.
If I could stop the world and have them listen for a moment .... I would let you do the talking!! I love you!! Greg Dueck
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry for yet another loss...have you looked into any kind of hormonal therapy or some other physical issues that are causing these miscarriages? the anger at your body is normal, but i'd suggest you channel that anger into action- try to find out what your body is telling you. praying for grace for all of this.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of you since you PM me on FB. My heart aches for you Michelle!! Praying for you and your family!!!
ReplyDeleteMichelle I am always thinking of you and Greg. I can only pray that the sorrow passes quickly and joy replaces the pain. I Know you will always remember however, the pain does not need to linger. I wish you and your family all the best. You are all amazing and wonderful people. Thank you for sharing your pain with us all.Love you. From Nicole B.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your your losses. I felt angry at my body too. Like it betrayed my daughter. And there was nothing I could do about it. I am so sorry. Like you said, this raw pain will pass but while it lingers it is almost unbearable, and truly impossible without Christ. Keep singing, what a beautiful thing to say in the midst of your pain.
ReplyDeletexoxo