Never fear.....God is here!

You may chuckle at the title, but is is so true. God has never failed us.
There are so many times where I have had no idea how the little bit of money we had went as far as it did. It was a very supernatural thing. I am thankful for people who obey God's promptings too.
We were well looked after throughout the time Greg was sick and recovering from each of his surgeries (stories to follow).
With a new baby on the way, there were things we still needed to buy, things we had no money to buy.
Here is a write up of some of the blessings we received. I don't share these things to brag, but to show you that when you are in need, God is faithful. Always trust, stay positive, believe that He will provide what you need when you need it.
Checking the mailbox became a more interesting thing to do because every once in awhile, there was a cheque waiting there for us. Sometimes from someone we knew, sometimes we didn't have a clue who the person was, but God had laid it on their heart to send us something.
We would be getting low on groceries and there would be a knock at our door. Someone would show up with bags of groceries.
The mom's group at a local church called and said that they had talked and decided they wanted to help us out. They brought over a huge load of groceries including diapers, wipes and various baby necessities.
We won a hamper drawing through the cancer clinic.
We were selected by Farm Credit to be the sponsored family for christmas. They showed up with groceries, baby things, presents and some money.
A man approached our pastor and said he wanted to give some money at christmas time to a family in the church and asked if our pastor knew anyone. Our pastor told him of some families, us included. The man said he knew immediately that we were who he wanted to bless and he told our pastor to pass on the message that we were to use the money wherever we needed it and he wanted us to have a merry christmas.
Many friends and family gave to us financially to help meet our living costs and medical travel costs during that time.
The people my mom works with surprised her one day with a roomful of groceries for us. They had been collecting food for months. When they came to bring them in, it was literally a minivan full of food and necessities. Our little cupboards were full and overflowing.
The Kinsmen organization helped us twice with travel costs and daily expenses of being away from home. (GIVE TO TELEMIRACLE!!!!)
When we were on flights to go for surgeries for Greg or come home after them, we were upgraded for free a few times. The extra room was much appreciated when Greg was so uncomfortable sitting for long.
Our flight was delayed in Minneapolis once and so we were given lunch on the airport.
Friends and family helping us move to our new house (twice). The first time we were scheduled to be in Rochester for Greg's surgery the day of the move. Our friends and family got together and handled it all for us. Every detail was worked out and my mom even managed to get some unpacking done for me so I wouldn't have so much to do when we came home.
My mom said, "Some people will do anything to get out of having to move their things!"
We were blessed with meals brought to our door.
At Greg's last surgery, they would not let him leave the hospital without the antibiotics he was on. The problem was they were I.V. antibiotics that I had to give Greg through a PIC line in his arm. In order to travel with them, the medication had to be in these pressurized little chambers that would release the medication over a period of 15 to 20 minutes. The antibiotics in the pressurized chambers came to just over $300. We did not have $300 to pay for them before leaving the hospital. It was a long process with many phone calls back and forth between Sask Health and the Mayo Clinic. Sask Health would not pay for meds prescribed upon discharge from the hospital. There was a charitable organization affiliated with the hospital there in Rochester that stepped up to the plate and covered the cost of the meds for us.
Once we pulled into the gas station to get gas and a man who we knew, but not very well, paid for our gas before we got in to pay for it.
There were so many more things as well, I am sure I am leaving some out.
My heart is full and overflowing with gratitude........

Surgery

2 Timothy 1:7  

For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound  mind.

Psalm 91     Psalm 23     Luke 12:22-31    

These scriptures and many others brought me great comfort through the moments when I thought I could not go on any longer (in my imperfect self, there were lots!)
I knew that God was with us in every moment. We were briefed on what the surgery was going to involve and what could happen during it. I know the Doctors have to inform you of the risks, but sometimes I have wished that they would just not say it, that somehow it could be said without saying, you know?
Somehow them putting it into words made me more nervous about it, though I wouldn't have wanted them to do the surgery without me knowing the risks either. I guess it just gave me more reason to pray harder!
Like I said in the last post, I was now around 8 months pregnant. We went into Regina on the 15th and stayed at my dad's overnight because we would have to be at the hospital early in the morning.
That was a rough night, Greg was in a lot of pain. We managed to get some sleep and in the morning the hospital called. The surgery was moved to the following day because something else had come up.
It was a let down and a relief in the same breath. We wanted to just get it over with and get this intrusive disease out of his body, but we were relieved for one more day together. I didn't want to think about the dangers lurking in this.  The night of the 16th was even worse that the night before. We were sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my dad's living room. Greg wasn't moving very easily at this point. It was a long, awful night with lots of tears shed. We turned out the lights and fear started to settle on us. "What if I don't make it?" Greg asked me. "I don't want to die. I want to be here to see our baby breathe it's first breath. I want to do so many more things in life." More tears from both of us. Greg was so uncomfortable and we had already given him pain meds. I tried propping him all different ways and nothing seemed to help. He was having trouble breathing if he laid flat, the pillows would not sit properly to lean him up on the mattress, it was not going well. My dad was so great that night. I felt so loved by him and I know Greg did too. He must have heard us moving around trying to get Greg comfortable and he came out to see if he could help. He used to be a paramedic and worked in the medical field for many years. He asked what Greg had taken for meds and told us what he could take in addition to it. He brought us a vaporizer to make the air easier for Greg to breathe, he brought some rub stuff out for Greg's sore muscles, he brought out a tape with healing scriptures on it for us to listen to and most importantly he brought his prayers out. Greg ended up sleeping sitting up in one of the recliners propped with pillows and a footrest, I ended up curling up on the love seat and Dad sat in the recliner opposite Greg and prayed. I finally fell asleep that night listening to my daddy pray over us. I was so thankful he was there and felt protected by him that night.
In the morning we got up and headed to the hospital. My dad came with us, again I was thankful to not be alone. They took Greg and got him settled and ready in pre-op when we arrived at the hospital. Then they let me in to sit with him til it was time to take him to the O.R.
Greg was very nervous and feeling quite queasy so they brought him something to calm him. Dad and I sat by Greg's bed and prayed with him as we waited.  The nurse came and said it was time, they were ready. Dad gave Greg's hand a squeeze and waited for me just outside the door as I walked beside the stretcher down the hallway. Our eyes were filled with tears, I was trying VERY hard not to show that I was scared. I wanted to hang onto his hand forever and not let go. Trusting people to look after your soul mate in a situation like this can be so difficult. Trusting God, I felt better about that option. The surgery was to be about 3 hours.
I watched them wheel him through the doors and out of sight. I smiled through my watery eyes till I could see him no more and then the tears poured. My dad wrapped me in his arms and suggested we go get something to eat. It was going to be a long day.
I really didn't feel like eating, but I knew it was necessary. I needed to be strong. My dad sat with me for the morning. Cathy, my other mom, came up for a bit as well. My mom arrived part way through the morning. I was so thankful to have my parents there with me. They were the best support I could have had through this.
It was now noon and Greg had been in surgery for about 3 and a half hours. We kept checking in with the nurses but they had heard nothing yet. We went for walks, read magazines, talked and dad cracked jokes to distract me. At about 2:30 we still had heard nothing so dad went to talk to the nurses again. When he came back he had good news, Greg had been in recovery for about an hour and a half already. Shortly after the surgeon came to talk to us. He told us Greg had made it through surgery and done well. He said it had been a complicated surgery. Greg's doctor from home had asked to sit in on the surgery.

The doctor performed a right thoracotomy and they were able to remove the whole tumor, however they could not completely remove the nerve the tumor had grown from. The tumor grew from the 6th intercostal nerve. It was abnormal, about the size of a man's finger. The neurosurgeon had left about an inch of the nerve attached to Greg's spinal cord. He did not feel comfortable getting any nearer to his spinal cord to remove the rest of it because he felt that in order to get close enough, Greg would very likely have been paralyzed in the surgery. He did not want to risk that. Just to be safe, they also had removed 4 and 3/4" sections of his 5th, 6th and 7th ribs that the tumor had worn away at. Greg's right lung had been completely collapsed by the tumor and the surgeons were able to peel the lung away from the tumor successfully. The lung re-inflated beautifully after the took the tumor off of it. The tumor appeared to be encapsulated except for an area at the bottom of it. They could not tell if the tumor had spread to any more of the tissues in his chest, that remained to be seen. The tumor measured 7.5" x 5" x 5.5" and weighed 3.62lbs.

I thanked the doctor and was told that I could see Greg in about another hour if they were able to move him from recovery to SICU. I think it was about 4pm before we actually got in to see him, but oh what a relief it was. I had been told to expect a lot of tubes and machines and lines on him. We were allowed to go in two at a time to see Greg. Mom came with me. As we walked down the hallway, I tried to make my heart ready for what I was about to see. We walked into the room and they were right, lines and tubes and monitors and beeps everywhere. He had gone from my healthy, strong, teasing husband to this wounded body laying incredibly still on the bed. I took a deep breath and went closer, I leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek trying not to disturb any tubes. He opened his eyes and I don't think I have ever been so glad to see those beautiful blue eyes in my life! He whispered for me to come close again. I leaned in and I can't tell all of you what he said ;o) but let me assure you, Greg was still Greg! His sense of humor was fully active even just out of surgery. When I stood back up chuckling, my mom leaned in and asked "What did he say?" She thought he had whispered something romantic or deeply thoughtful and reflective. I told her and she laughed and said, "Oh that boy!"
The next days of being back and forth from the hospital are a bit of a blur. There were ups and downs with Greg. It was very difficult to watch him in such pain and not be able to do anything. About the third day they decided to try a morphine PCA pump. (Patient Controlled Analgesia for those non medical people like me)
Greg had three IV sites already and two of them had malfunctioned and were removed. When they decided to try the PCA pump, they tried to start another. The first nurse tried three times and then called in another nurse. The second nurse tried another two times and still no success. Each time they would get the line in, turn on the pump and it would wreck the vein. Greg's arms were turning into black and blue canvases, not to mention the pain of "fishing" around to get the line in a vein. They decided that they would switch him from morphine to Tylenol 3's. I can tell you right now that when a person is in enough pain to warrant a morphine pump, T 3's do almost nothing. He was in so much pain and I could not help, it felt like I was failing him.

That night I drove home from the hospital and I felt so stressed out. (Yes it was a bit of a selfish moment for me, not proud of it) Because of my pregnancy being considered high risk, I had been off work for the whole pregnancy and could not go back until after the delivery. I did not want to have to go back to work with a newborn at home. I wanted to nurse my baby for many reasons most of them to do with health.I also wanted to save some cost by not having to buy formula, but in order to nurse the baby, I had to be home. I did not know where life went from here, the future looked very uncertain. Financially I had no idea where money was going to come from, I just had to trust and have faith that God would provide for us. There were baby things that we still needed to buy and no money to buy them. I had some diapers but certainly not enough to last very long. I didn't know how we were going to pay bills, buy food or necessities and all of that was on my shoulders at that moment. Yes, the tumor was out of my husband, but they did not know if it had spread or would return, it was all very overwhelming.


I drove home to my dad's in the snow that night, emotionally exhausted from the day and cried. I let the tears flow that I had been holding back all day trying to be brave, and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I pounded the steering wheel and told Him how frustrated I was, how scared I was, how I didn't want to have to raise this baby alone. I wanted our baby to know it's daddy. I am sure I must have looked like a basket case behind the wheel! The nurses at the hospital as well as some family members were concerned for our baby. They thought with all the stress that I may go into labor early. I prayed again that night, that God would protect and shelter the baby. I told Him this was His miracle baby already and I told Him that He was going to have to keep her safe from the stress. I prayed for peace, I prayed for comfort and strength to be what my husband and this baby needed me to be. I know He was with me in the car that night, I felt Him. I felt His arms come around me and I determined from that moment on to rest in Him. I had peace that He was going to work it all out for good and that we weren't going to have to wonder where provision was coming from. My God would take care of me and us. He would never leave me nor forsake me.

Greg got out of the hospital a couple of days later. At that time I was driving a 1982 Ford Fairmont. It was a good old car, but the highway has many bumps and I felt terrible for every one we went over on our way back home. We set up a bed in our living room so that Greg could lay down comfortably through the day, but he spent the first few days downstairs where our bedroom and the bathroom were so he would not have to do stairs for the washroom. Now that Greg was home healing from surgery, we were on to the next thing, preparing for our baby to come. I was due in just over 3 weeks. When the day came for us to go to the hospital to deliver Jinaea, Greg was still healing. He was not allowed to lift anything heavier than 4 liter jug of milk which is about 9 pounds. Jinaea was 8lbs 1.5oz. Just under the wire! He could not walk and carry her for long but he did spend plenty of time holding her.  I would prop his arm with pillows so that he could hold her properly.....My heart cried out as I watched them, "Thank you God for my two miracles."

Come To Me......for Kylee.

I was going through a box of papers today and found lyrics that I wrote a few years ago. I wrote them when our friend's daughter passed away. Their daughter was only two and a half. She was sweet, adorable, "tute," (cute) and such a brave little girl. She knew all about how Jesus loved her and would proudly tell you that too. She was daddy's little sweetheart, mommy's little dolly, and her brothers playmate. She loved the color pink and even wanted pink hockey equipment! Kelly and I were both expecting our third child at that time, due about a week apart in October.

Greg and I had gone to church that morning and another friend of ours came over to me. She put her arm around me and told me that Kylee had died suddenly the night before. She didn't know many details. I cried through the whole service. I knew immediately that we needed to go to them. We made the hour and a half trip that afternoon.

I remember standing on the front porch as we waited for the door to be opened. Kylee's grandpa opened the door and wrapped us in a hug right away. He said, "You came all this way? You didn't have to."
We said, "Of course, how could we not." We needed to be there for Darren and Kelly. They would have done the same for us. Everyone was in such a state of shock still. The air was full of disbelief and shocking reality that seemed too horrible to be true.  When we walked in Kelly and Darren came to us right away and we hugged, our hearts broken for them and we cried. "I can't believe she's gone," was repeated over and over. The next hours were filled with people coming and going, food brought over, condolences, phone calls and many, many tears. Darren and Kelly told us the story of the night before. We felt completely helpless to take away the ache that was growing larger in their hearts by the minute.  We prayed with them and finally we drove home.

I called Kelly every day for the next month or so. I didn't want her to feel alone or abandoned in her pain. I wished I lived closer so I could hug her every day too! I prayed with her and most of the time, felt completely inadequate to help beyond that. There were no words that would really help. They had our love and our prayers though.  I just so badly wanted to take some of her hurt away. Sometimes all we would do was cry together on the phone.

God put the words to this song on my heart in a dream just shortly after Kylee died. I did not have the nerve to even tell Kelly about the song until months later. This coming May it will be four years since Kylee went to dance and run with Jesus. I did not think that three and a half years later, Kelly would be doing the same for me. She is very dear to my heart. I knew that she really understood the emptiness, the ache and yes, even the happiness, when we talked about our girls in heaven.

Now Kylee and Zoe play together happily in the presence of their Heavenly Father who loves them. He now gives them all the hugs and love that we wish we could and more. Today, this song has shot straight to my heart...(Disclaimer...Lol. I am not a professional song writer and so this song may not meet the standards of "properly written" lyrics, but it is what was on my heart.)

Verse 1
I walk along this road we call life
Sometimes it feels impossible to even take the next step
Hurt and disappointments are all around me
Unanswered questions lay on every side
So many trials we go through and battles we must fight
Through tears I call out, "God give me strength, I can't do this on my own."
And then I hear a voice so soft and low
I know it's Jesus, gently calling to me

Chorus
"Here is my hand, please take it
Here are my arms open wide
I can feel your heart aching
I hold every tear that you cry
When the load you carry, seems to much to bear
Come to Me, I will carry you."

Verse 2
My eyes are blinded with tears as my heart breaks with theirs
Now she runs happy and free, but God, why is she gone
She was so young, sweet and full of promise.
How can they go on
Where do they go from here God?
Please let me be your arms here on earth
To show Your love to them
Let them hear You say...


Chorus


Words and music written by Michelle Dueck
Copyright 2007