My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The joy and laughter of flowers...

They say the world laughs in flowers. I had forgotten how much I love planting flowers. This year I have been itching to get them into my yard and into flower pots on the decks. I am  "a wing it and see how it goes gardener" an "expert" gardener of course! I have managed to kill, dah-dah-dah-DAH......only 6 plants. That, I am sure is a far better success rate than the greenhouses have and a personal all time record for me! WOOHOO!

What great, peaceful therapy it is to spend a few hours out in the sunshine, digging in dirt and planting life and making a yard beautiful! The thing I love most about flowers is the beautiful color that they bring to my heart. A flower is kind of like our hearts if you think about it. It needs nuturing, feeding, sunshine and when it is given those things, it can produce such beauty, touching the lives of all those around it. 

Vivid pinks, yellows, oranges, reds, greens, purples and so many more in-betweens decorate my yard. Jinaea and Kyler helped me with the planting and weeding. It was an awesome time talking about roots and leaves and petals and being gentle (for Kyler's sake). I am sure the flowers will show their forgiveness for me letting Kyler hold them in his sometimes gentle, sometimes not so gentle way.

I am now sitting here waiting for a fun, sweet, wonderful, loving friend/cousin to arrive. I am so excited that she is coming!!! Linda Mae (aka Ellie Mae to us) is going to be here in about an hour. EEKKKK!
We are going to do girly things, play with kids, hang out, watch movies, go for walks, cry and probably laugh till we almost pee our pants. What fun it will be!!!

Life is good and filled with flowery, sunshiny joy today and for that I am thankful.

Friday, June 3, 2011

A letter to my babies in Heaven

This is a letter I wrote for a memory album I created in honor of my first three babies in Heaven. I have not yet added Zoe or Ellie to the album.

June 11, 2006

Dear Babies,
There have been many times since you've been gone that I have wanted to sit and write our what I would like to say to you, but somehow the words to match my feelings and heart were not there.
Now I feel like it is time to put those thoughts down on paper. You were wished for, wanted and loved very much. Even though I never held you, I love you deeply. You died before you were born and our eyes never met. I miss that I never got to see your sweet faces, hold your little hands or nurse you close to my heart. I still miss feeling you move inside my womb and if it weren't for this never-ending ache in my heart, it would be as if you were never there. I had dreams of holding you and seeing your beautiful face. Although I never saw your smile on earth, I have seen it in my dreams and it moves me to tears.
With Grief comes change. Our lives are FOREVER changed because you were here. We didn't see your first steps or hear your first words, but your memories live on in our hearts every day. We have lost so much, but gained grace and mercy from the Lord through it all. When I cry tears of sorrow that seem to never end, Jesus dries them and holds me close to His heart.
I know He felt my sorrow and pain as deeply as I did. My heart beats with yours for eternity.
I love you forever.

Kane's Story (our 4th baby)

In April of 2003, we were living in Young, Sask, for a few months while Greg worked for a friend of ours. I was feeling so tired all the time. I could make it to lunch and then would be almost falling asleep where I sat! I started to wonder if I was pregnant again, but I wasn't feeling sick at all. At the end of May we came back home to Moose Jaw for a visit with friends and to get things looked after at home.

We decided that while we were home we were going to do a pregnancy test. We had been trying to get pregnant for about 5 months. We wanted to see the result at the same time, so I peed on the stick, set it on the counter and went outside of the bathroom to sit on the stairs with Greg and wait the required few moments.....
We were giddy! We watched the seconds hand go around the clock and when it was time we flung open the door (Don't ask me why we closed it in the first place. Maybe we felt the test needed its privacy to do its job, lol) The test had two blue lines!!!! Hooray! We were having another baby. I had wanted Jinaea to be between 18 months and 2 years when we had our next child and so this was perfect! She would be almost two when this baby came.

We decided we weren't going to tell everyone about the pregnancy yet, but as time went on, more and more found out anyway.We made sure to tell people that would pray with us through it. We made our way back to Young and prayed. We did all we could physically and prayerfully to keep this baby safe and growing well inside my womb. I rested and did as little lifting as possible. We prayed and spoke God's word over our baby. Sometimes people would say to us, "You must be so scared you might lose this one too!" We would answer, "No, we trust that God is faithful and will carry us through." I really was not scared about losing this baby. I knew that it was all in God's hands and that we could trust him with our hearts.

June 25th, I started having some cramps and spotting. We prayed lots that day! We had gone to Regina with my mom for church and shopping. As we shopped the cramping was getting steadily worse. The bleeding was increasing as we made our way back to the farm. We got to Bethune and the pain from the cramping was so uncomfortable that I could hardly stay still in the vehicle. I told Greg we needed to either turn around and go back to Regina or head into Moose Jaw because something was wrong. We stopped in Bethune to ask if there was a quicker way to get to Moose Jaw than through Chamberlain and thankfully, there was. When we arrived at the hospital, an ultrasound was done. They told me I was about 8 weeks pregnant and was having a miscarriage. My heart fell.....once again, no heartbeat.
Our tears were flowing as the Dr. came in and when I started contracting again he told me to push. I delivered the baby and the Dr. put it in a metal dish, covered it and took it away. Again I was overwhelmed with just how deep loss of a loved one is.
I was told I would have to have a D&C if the bleeding did not slow down. This would be my fourth one. By 11p.m. that night I had to go for surgery. The bleeding had not slowed.
I felt angry, sad, disappointed and so many other emotions all at once. As I lay on the operating room table I knew that we had done all that was in our control for this baby to live. There were no answers waiting here in this cold, sterilized and unfriendly room.

Only deep sadness and Him.

Those answers would have to wait to come till the day we stand before Him. I had the D&C done and went back to "normal" life, though it did not feel normal any more.