Ultrasound report....

 I will bless the Lord forever, I will trust Him at all times
This is the song that played through the night in all my dreams on Monday night. I hold tight to these scriptures. I will trust Him at all times, He has made me glad. He is my strength, my shield, my portion.....

There is a silence that hangs in the room during an ultrasound when the technician knows it is not going to be the news you hoped for. It has become all too familiar to me. Body language is a giveaway as well.
They avoid eye contact, most of the technicians I have had, seem very uncomfortable with the tears that they think they will see. At least that is what it seems. There was no screen turned on at the end of the bed for us to watch the miracle of life unfold as the ultrasound wand moved across my tummy. I could slightly see the screen in front of the technician and was watching intently, hoping to see the little form of this baby we loved already. There was only black emptiness. I fought back tears as I laid on the table praying and telling myself I just didn't know what to look for exactly.....maybe the baby was just really small, please God, just let it be that.
I looked at the picture hanging above the bed. A showcase of Toronto Maple Leaf jerseys throughout time.
The picture is a familiar sight as well. It is the same one I stared at while I tried to quiet the screaming in my head when they told me Zoe had no heartbeat.
The technician speaks the same words we have heard with four other babies that have died in utero...."I need to go speak with the Dr and make sure we have all the pictures we need."
And again, when he comes back, the Dr accompanies him with sympathy in his eyes. "I understand you may have some questions about your ultrasound."
He then tells us that his previous diagnosis of a miscarriage was correct, the baby has already "passed" already and what had developed of the placenta is still hanging on. My queasy feelings and tiredness is most likely caused by the placenta still producing pregnancy hormones. "I am sorry we are here again."
I can hold back the tears no longer. We gather our things and head out to the car.
Now home to tell the kids. We pull into the driveway and shut off the car and sit in the silence. Greg tells me he has no words, he doesn't know how to tell them. I don't either. I have had people ask me why we tell the kids about the pregnancy early on before we know that it is a for sure thing.....well, do we ever know it is a for sure thing? In my world we don't, so we tell our kids early on so that we can all enjoy the happiness that comes with the announcement of a new brother or sister joining our family. We do things as a family, even when it is grieving. Imagine my kids confusion and questions if mommy was just all of a sudden in tears often. They would be wondering if it was something they did. In fact, even with knowing what has happened, one of my kids asked me if it was something they did to make me sad. No, I do not regret telling them. We are family and we share in joy, sorrow, thankfulness, blessings, love, celebration and yes, even grief.
So many things have not gone according to our plans for our lives that I have learned to not waste one moment of that which brings joy. Even if the joy is brief, it is still joy and I am glad we share it together. How else do we teach our children that grief is not something to be ashamed of and hidden. Our children learn by example and I want my example to them to be one of honesty and openness not one of shame and hidden truth.
We go into the house and Jaron meets us at the door. "How is our baby?" Tears fall again and we tell him what the Dr told us. Before my friend leaves, she gives me the tightest, longest hug she has ever given me.
I am thankful for her hug. Tears in her eyes too, she says goodbye and we are alone again, just us and our children here on earth. Jinaea comes up and says, "So, how did it go?" I just shake my head. Sadness fills her eyes too. She makes me a card that says I love you mommy. I am sorry about the baby.
Yes, here we are again saying goodbye to a life so briefly shared with us and looking forward to the time we will meet in Heaven. It is very hard to choose a name for a child that is already in Heaven. What meaning should we choose? Do I even want to choose a name again for a baby I will not hold.......I will, but it may take some time.

Ultrasound

Well, tomorrow morning I will be in the ultrasound room at 9:30a.m. I am expecting to hear very different news than I heard last time!!! I want to see a little flicker of a heartbeat on the screen. I know my God is faithful and will be right there with me the whole time. Love never fails....

Tomorrow is the day...

Well here we are, the night before going to see the Dr again. I am excited!! I am expecting good news when I go. Because I am not perfected in the spiritual fruit of patience so excited, I have now done four pregnancy tests (yes, four) and the result is............da da da dahhhhhhhh. still POSITIVE!
It has now been almost 3 weeks since we had the ultrasound that told us I was having a miscarriage. The fact that my pregnancy tests are still coming out with a positive result is a good sign as far as I know.
I feel hope-full. Tomorrow I am expecting to be sent for an ultrasound to see a little heartbeat.
I have really been enjoying the new book I am reading...

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

I am thankful for so many things in my life. Through all the "hard" things people have to face, there IS always something to be grateful for. Always. In reading this book it has challenged me to think more about what exactly I am thankful for. To name those things and take them as gifts. So, a new fresh page in my journal will be turned soon and I will start to fill the crisp lines with all the things I can think of that I am thankful for.
It makes my heart happy, I am in anticipation of the joy that will fill my heart as I name them.
Today as I was reading, I realized that what Ann is talking about is very true. Joy is found in thankfulness. I started to think back over the months following Zoe's birth. Zoe's actual due date was a turning point for me in how I felt about her death. I have had much more peace and contentment and yes, even joy when I think about her since that day. I didn't know how it had happened, or why, but Ann brought it to light. (Thank you Ann)
As I sat in the hotel room and rested in His peace on her due date, I was amazed at how the devastation and emptiness seemed easier to bear on that day. Why? I believe it is because in the days surrounding her due date, I began to be thankful for the time I did have with her. I mean really thankful, deep down in my heart. That thankfulness ushered in joy and peace. Hmmmmmm.....wow.
So many people have recommended Ann's blog and her book to me.
I listened promptly
put it on my list of must reads because I did not have the TIME right now to read yet another book
promised myself I would read it later "when I get around to it"
okay, I was simply not listening to the prompting of my Heavenly Daddy as quickly as I should have. SOOOOO finally what does my wonderful, loving Daddy do? He gets one of His other beautiful daughters (who was listening and acting a little quicker than I ) to give me one!! Thank you Juanita for your help in opening my ears. You are on my list of grateful fors. You are a blessing.
Anyway, on that note, tomorrow I go in to see my Dr with a thank-full heart, knowing Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever.

UPDATE:
I was not able to get in to see the Dr. today....his office was closed until tomorrow.  Good one God, lol. I laughed when I called in and the message said that. "Have patience Michelle," is what I hear!

UPDATE 2:
Well, I went to see my Dr this morning and the test is still "very positive." He said this is very good and he is very happy and hopeful about this. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday morning 9:30a.m. The kids are so excited and so are we!!!!!! I determine not to have an internal fit of carnality (adult temper tantrum) and impatience while I wait for tuesday to come!

One Thousand Gifts....

Eeeeeeeeeek.   I was recently given a copy of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I can hardly wait to start reading. I believe I should be allowed to duct tape the children to the wall (only so I know they are safe and sound while I am distracted with reading this book ;o) ) maybe in the garage (so it is quiet in the house and I can absorb all that I read) I'm sure Ann would appreciate that type of dedication to hear writings, no?
I have been wanting to buy this book ever since I heard about it a few months ago. It was the new subject of a book club. Every one I know that has read it has come back with rave reviews about this woman's wisdom and challenges to live life differently. I know that as I read, I will gain new perspective on mothering, enjoying the little things in life and so many other things as well.
I am going to dare to live fully right where I am!
I will write as I read........

Time keeps on ticking....

Patience.
God, please accept my humble apologies for trying to rush you into doing what I want you to do on my time. It obviously doesn't work and I have seen the light where that is concerned now. I really believe I have learned my lesson already but if I haven't, would you please hurry up and teach me patience already!!!!
Have you ever prayed a prayer something like that?
I still have my little internal temper tantrums behave with perfect grace, dignity and composure when it comes to waiting for God to do His thing.
I see I am fooling no one here, sooooo I will admit, I have my little fits of carnality in my head. Even though I know that I need to just rest and be quiet before Him, that everything will happen at the perfect time. Why can't I just trust perfectly.
Days seem to be going by so slowly right now while I am waiting to go back to the Dr.'s for a pregnancy test.
I want to know.....

Thankfulness....

1 Thessalonians 5:13-24

Live in peace with one another. We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit; do not despise prophetic utterances. But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil.
      Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

There are certain things in this portion of scripture that stand out to me right now. Be thankful in everything and faithful is He who calls me, He also will bring it to pass.
I had another Dr's appointment today to go over the results of the ultrasound. Yesterday morning began with me feeling fine and then all of a sudden, I felt really sick. I ran to the bathroom and ended up ridding myself of anything that was in my stomach! I have felt nausea for about 5 days now off and on. I am still really tired through the day too. These two things seem very strange to be feeling if I have had a miscarriage. On the other hand, I am not an expert. I have no idea how long it takes for hormones to settle back down.
I decided to ask my Dr about it. He said,

"I think we need to do another pregnancy test today.  I don't want to get your hopes up unnecessarily, but I don't want to disregard how you are feeling either. There was a sac seen on the ultrasound in the clotting. Nothing was seen in the sac, but it is possible that the conclusion of the ultrasound was wrong. It has happened before, where we have thought that there had been a miscarriage because of the bleeding and a few weeks later through a second ultrasound, there is a baby seen. It is possible that it was just too early. If in a few weeks you are still feeling these symptoms, we will repeat the pregnancy test. if it is positive still, we will repeat the ultrasound and see what it shows."

I feel excitement stirring again. Really? Could this possibly be true? I wondered last night if the ultrasound could have been just too early, and this morning a friend asked me if that was a possibility.
I did the pregnancy test again today and it still says positive.
I feel thankfulness. Thankfulness for every moment that I have with my kids.....all of them. In everything I will give thanks, and I know my God will be faithful to me no matter how this goes. Stay tuned!

When the rain falls......

March 3, 2011

Bring the Rain - Mercy Me

"I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You,
Jesus bring the rain" An excerpt from the song above. I am still going to praise Him no matter what life throws at me.

Baby #8 is now in Heaven........my heart has had very little time to adjust to this.
I have been having some strange bleeding issues and decided to go to the dr this morning to try and get it figured out.  My doctor asked if I was pregnant. I said I didn't think so, the bleeding had been going on for about a month now. I have been tired, but thought it was maybe due to lower iron. He said well first let's get a pregnancy test done. So I headed off to the little girls room with my purple cup in hand and the excitement stirring in my heart for what might possibly be happening.
I went back into the office when I was done and my doctor returned. The test was positive!!! My heart skipped a beat. Really? Really, really? WOW! Congratulations were given from all at the office as my heart filled with warm mushiness.  I could hardly wait to get home to tell Greg. I got in the car and thanked God for this little life.
Now because of not knowing a date of my LMP (sometime in Jan, putting me at about 5 or 6 weeks) for sure, my doctor wanted an ultrasound done A.S.A.P.
They booked me in for an ultrasound at 4:15.
We managed to scramble up a babysitter for the kids because Greg wanted to come with me and I am so glad he did. We didn't want to tell the kids anything just yet so we spent a day with just the two of us and Ellie (we jokingly called the baby that because the news of this pregnancy was the white elephant in the room)
We went in to the ultrasound room and the end result of it all was, we were told that I am in the midst of another miscarriage.
In such a short time, we started to dream and hope for this baby. I didn't realize just how quickly that part of being a parent kicks in. We have never dealt with miscarriage after only knowing of the baby's existence for a day. This has kind of been a sucker punch day. I still am not quite sure what to think, it is such a whirlwind of emotions. I am once again waiting for nature to "take it's course." 
Hopefully it will be done soon. I do not want another D&C.
I am resting in His arms tonight and I am very thankful for His love to carry me.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)