My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Monday, November 28, 2011

Who but You...

Take a listen to this song:

Our God by Chris Tomlin 

There is no one else like Him...

When you have a promise in your heart , a promise put there by your Abba Father , how long do you hang on to it?  Do you easily let it slip away or do you hang onto it with fierce determination no matter what obstacles get in your way?  It could be your marriage, a job, a wayward child coming home, a baby in your arms, a husband, a wife.  There is no person on earth that can seal a promise into your heart the way God can.  What is your promise?

One of my promises is a baby to hold in my arms again for longer than it takes to say goodbye.  I believe it with my whole heart.  Does it hurt to lose them?  Yes!  Do I give up?  Absolutely not!

Our most recent loss has brought people to ask, "Don't you think it is time to stop?" or some have commented:

"Maybe God is trying to tell you something here."
"How much more of this are you going to put yourself through?"
"You have three already, maybe you should just focus on enjoying them."
"You are getting older you know."

All those statements speak one single thing to me.  Give up!
I can't give up, the promise beats with my heart.  It is alive.  Does the loss hurt?  For sure it does, but love hurts sometimes and is worth the greatest sacrifice.
The promise of children has been sung in my heart since I was a very small child.  I cannot give it up.  Not yet.
In talking with a friend a short time ago she asked me, "So, do you have a perspective on this?"
At first I did not know how to answer.  What is my perspective?  I had not thought that through enough to put it into words. As we talked, it came out without me even realizing it.

The only thing that hurts me worse than a miscarriage, is giving up and ending my childbearing years with a loss. My family feels incomplete still.  I do not feel His peace about stopping here.  To stop here would only be me giving up because I do not want to take the risk of hurting again.  To give up now would be a betrayal of my heart.  It would be doubting His faithfulness.  It would be giving up hope.  Something I have stood so strongly against.  The words "never lose hope" have left my lips many times when encouraging a friend.  Should I not believe the same still for myself.  If I did not, I would be a hypocrite in this.  So, I press in for the completion of that sacred promise that I feel so deep in my heart.
We will stop when His peace floods our hearts with the knowledge that our family is complete.  When that will be, I don't know.  Until then we press on, one foot in front of the other, hanging onto hope with thankfulness to the One who loves us so.

Who But You by Mark Hall and Megan Garrett

This song washed over my spirit tonight, thank you Juanita. <3

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I Gotta Keep Singing

Tonight is a night my heart hurts so much it is hard to breathe. This is raw. The tears show no mercy. We buried our baby this week. I don't understand this at all. Lots of people talk to me about God's plan for all this, I don't want to hear it tonight.
The smile that is on my face, you think it is for real. Is it really?

These days I pretend life goes on. I smile through the days when I am sad. When night falls and I am alone, the tears come. At times so many tears have fallen, I can't even cry right. I was sitting here tonight trying to figure out where I am in all of this. I am frustrated, angry, blessed and thankful, hurt and broken hearted, loved and lost sometimes too. Some have a hard time understanding that, most of the time I can't understand it myself, so I smile.

Music, it brings a different level of depth to my tears. It speaks straight to my heart.
MercyMe has beautiful music that has spoken to my heart many times in the past.
The latest song of theirs that touches my heart is I Gotta Keep Singing
I know this heavy pain will not last forever, I have felt it and walked THROUGH it before.

This miscarriage is different than all the others. Harder, more painful to my heart in some ways. I will be honest, I am angry with my body this time. It failed me and it failed our baby. With all the other miscarriages, our babies died before they entered this world. This time was different. I saw fragile little life move, fight for life and then be still in my hand. I did not want to share this detail with many, but the weight of this "secret" is crushing my heart to keep it inside. Maybe I felt it should be a secret because I am ashamed that my body would betray our baby like this. I don't know.

What I do know is that like the song says, He is the One that keeps my heart beating and the only way I find healing is praising His name. I gotta keep singing. Jesus please sing over me, You are everything I need.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Ultrasound Report

Yesterday was the big day! The Dr. thought (based on LMP only) that I should be 12 weeks. I knew there was no way I could be that far along because I know the signs of ovulation came much later. I thought I was maybe 8 to 10 weeks along.  Measurements are hard to get on a miracle so tiny! The radiologist's recommendation is a follow up ultrasound in the next week or two in order to tell if this baby is "viable." The radiologist pointed out and I saw a tiny flutter on the screen when he looked for a heartbeat so I know this baby is living right now.

And now, time for my soapbox.  My Dr wants to set up an ultrasound for 10 days from now. I do not want it. To me it makes no sense to expose my baby to even more ultrasound waves in order to determine if the baby is "viable." It makes no difference whether they determine that by ultrasound or not. If it is not, I will let my body continue doing what it needs to do, if it is, I will let my body continue doing what it needs to do. For me, it does not matter whether the baby is "imperfect" or not. It is my baby and I love it no matter what. I choose to not have the ultrasound. I believe God knows more than any machine anyway ;o)
There are many, many articles and postings about the effect of ultrasounds on babies in utero, many of them listed here: Doppler Danger

Here is another article on ultrasounds that is really good . It is by Sarah Buckley.

Yesterday, during the ultrasound and throughout the day today, I have felt God speak to my heart to just trust Him. To stand and wait. I have felt quite strongly with this pregnancy that I am to have the least amount of interventions and procedures done. I am going to hold to the Holy Spirit's leading on this one! Pray for me as I have not been one to stand up to people much in the past. I need your prayers for wisdom when I talk to my Dr. and for strength and confidence as well. Well, it is off to finish school with the kids now. We are doing candy science experiments today!!! I will put up pictures on my next post about it. The kids are so excited!