Hello old friend...

 As Zoe's birthday approaches I feel overwhelmed with sadness at moments, numb at times. Sometimes I even smile through the tears when I remember holding her tiny body in my arms. I wrapped her little fingers over mine repeatedly because I didn't ever want to forget what they felt like. Her hand so intricate and small. I could hardly believe fingers could be so very small and they had nails too... I lifted her little feet in my hand and held them and marveled at the details God created in a baby who was far from being ready to meet the world. I can see those moments in my memory as clearly as if it were yesterday.        

Today we said goodbye to Kiara as she headed back to Winnipeg. I tried my hardest not to cry, but could no longer hold it in when she hugged me goodbye. I had decided long ago to give her our carseat and stroller for our grandbaby that is coming in November. This morning as I took it down from the closet, I could see Zoe's little face smiling at me from the seat (or what I imagined she would look like now). The tears stung my eyes and I forced myself to walk to her room and hand it over. Such a small thing, only a possession, an earthly thing that really holds no long term value and it was so hard to take into that room. Silly, I know. But what was hard to face was what that empty seat represents, and what is missing from our family here on earth. Kiara asked what was wrong, I guess she saw the tears I was trying to hide. I shook my head and said, "It's just a hard day." She deserves to feel happy about her baby and not carry  my sadness.

A year ago today Jinaea and I happily and excitedly went to the ultrasound office.  We could hardly wait to find out if the baby was a boy or girl!!! We sat whispering to each other in the waiting room, Jinaea telling me she so hoped it was a girl so she would not be outnumberd by boys anymore! That day my world shattered moments later...so the carseat was not merely just a thing today. It was a stark reminder that my little girl who should be here, smiling and healthy, is not. And my big girl who I have loved so much and invested much of my heart in, is making a decision that as a parent, is so very difficult to stand back and watch. It does feel like we have failed again, but I know that we have given love over and over and that Love will produce fruit someday. It is in His hands and the Bible says that He will perfect that which concerns me...I leave her with Him.

Now Zoe's birthday is only 10 days away...my heart has healed some yes, but it still has an emptiness that has no description and only He knows. I am so thankful for friends and family that have loved, supported and grieved with us through this. As I was reading on the SHARE website I found this poem. I realize that grief is difficult to see and difficult to share in. I have found myself in that awkward silence with friends who have lost a child or loved one too. Now that I have been there, it is different. A hug means so much, a kind smile, a prayer, and what means the most to my heart is to know that she has not been forgotten. She is still included as one of our kids and that I am STILL, even now, not alone.

My little girl lived for only a short while, but as short as it was, her life meant something to us. I was reminded today of something I read once, "Gone from this earth, but forever in our hearts." It is true, in our hearts she will stay till the day she runs to my arms! From my heart, thank you to those of you who have asked and listened without the blank stare, and to those of you who have not known what to say, I understand it is uncomfortable. I have been there too.

Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, She is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say,
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.
….Author Unknown