My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Friday, June 3, 2011

Kane's Story (our 4th baby)

In April of 2003, we were living in Young, Sask, for a few months while Greg worked for a friend of ours. I was feeling so tired all the time. I could make it to lunch and then would be almost falling asleep where I sat! I started to wonder if I was pregnant again, but I wasn't feeling sick at all. At the end of May we came back home to Moose Jaw for a visit with friends and to get things looked after at home.

We decided that while we were home we were going to do a pregnancy test. We had been trying to get pregnant for about 5 months. We wanted to see the result at the same time, so I peed on the stick, set it on the counter and went outside of the bathroom to sit on the stairs with Greg and wait the required few moments.....
We were giddy! We watched the seconds hand go around the clock and when it was time we flung open the door (Don't ask me why we closed it in the first place. Maybe we felt the test needed its privacy to do its job, lol) The test had two blue lines!!!! Hooray! We were having another baby. I had wanted Jinaea to be between 18 months and 2 years when we had our next child and so this was perfect! She would be almost two when this baby came.

We decided we weren't going to tell everyone about the pregnancy yet, but as time went on, more and more found out anyway.We made sure to tell people that would pray with us through it. We made our way back to Young and prayed. We did all we could physically and prayerfully to keep this baby safe and growing well inside my womb. I rested and did as little lifting as possible. We prayed and spoke God's word over our baby. Sometimes people would say to us, "You must be so scared you might lose this one too!" We would answer, "No, we trust that God is faithful and will carry us through." I really was not scared about losing this baby. I knew that it was all in God's hands and that we could trust him with our hearts.

June 25th, I started having some cramps and spotting. We prayed lots that day! We had gone to Regina with my mom for church and shopping. As we shopped the cramping was getting steadily worse. The bleeding was increasing as we made our way back to the farm. We got to Bethune and the pain from the cramping was so uncomfortable that I could hardly stay still in the vehicle. I told Greg we needed to either turn around and go back to Regina or head into Moose Jaw because something was wrong. We stopped in Bethune to ask if there was a quicker way to get to Moose Jaw than through Chamberlain and thankfully, there was. When we arrived at the hospital, an ultrasound was done. They told me I was about 8 weeks pregnant and was having a miscarriage. My heart fell.....once again, no heartbeat.
Our tears were flowing as the Dr. came in and when I started contracting again he told me to push. I delivered the baby and the Dr. put it in a metal dish, covered it and took it away. Again I was overwhelmed with just how deep loss of a loved one is.
I was told I would have to have a D&C if the bleeding did not slow down. This would be my fourth one. By 11p.m. that night I had to go for surgery. The bleeding had not slowed.
I felt angry, sad, disappointed and so many other emotions all at once. As I lay on the operating room table I knew that we had done all that was in our control for this baby to live. There were no answers waiting here in this cold, sterilized and unfriendly room.

Only deep sadness and Him.

Those answers would have to wait to come till the day we stand before Him. I had the D&C done and went back to "normal" life, though it did not feel normal any more.

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