3 years...could it really have been that long ago? So many memories come flooding back as, in my mind, I make my way through August 2, 2010. Tears are hiding within the memories and spring out when I least expect them.

Again this year we wondered how we would honour Zoe on her birthday. I wasn't really sure what my heart felt like doing this year. This week at VBS our kids have been learning about missions and about kids in other countries need our help. Through Compassion Canada our children's ministry sponsors a little boy.

Today our family chose a little girl. In honour of our little girl, we will give so that another little girl can dream with abandon and run & play without worry of where her next meal will come from.
Here name is Dilmi and she is from Sri Lanka. We chose Dilmi because her birthday was the closest to Zoe's of all the children there.

Our pastor contacted me last week as I sat trying to think of what we could do. He said that his sermon this sunday was going to be on suffering and how beauty can be found even in it's midst. He asked me to speak about how Everlasting Love began and what it is about. My heart started to pound...speak in public!?!?!?! Yikes!!! "Relax, it will be on video for our powerpoint," he says...okay, that's a little easier. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was a perfect way to pay tribute to our baby girl and the things her life has taught us.

After I retrieved my heart from my throat, I said that I would do it, after all, it would only serve to help others...right? Eeeek! Well now I had to come up with something to say. "Just speak from your heart." he said. If only that was possible without me crying the ugly cry.

I knew I had to plan out what I was going to talk about. After much prayer, I wrote out what I felt I should talk about and the video was recorded.
I pray that through it, women who have never been able to grieve yet, will realize that grief over the loss of their babies IS normal. When our babies are gone too soon, we still want to be able to mother them. We have to try to fit a lifetime of mothering into a few hours, sometimes into only a few moments. If the layettes that are donated allow mothers to feel even one ounce of comfort as they dress or hold their babies, I have accomplished what God laid on my heart.

In the next few weeks I intend on pulling out the sewing machine and I will let my heart, love, grief and joy pour out as I sew blankets, gowns & diapers. I will take pictures as I go so you all can see my progress :)

Happy Birthday angel baby. I love you with all my heart...

The Hurt & The Healer on Judah's day

MercyMe - The Hurt & The Healer

This group reads my heart again and again with their music...
I'll be honest, my heart hurts today. A lot. I am smiling yes, but that smile is hiding and trying to push away my tears. Many times today I had to stop, breathe and try to refocus on something else and dry my tears, hoping that no one would notice. As badly as I wanted people to know, I knew I could not talk about without tears and tears make people uncomfortable. Today was my due date with our last baby Judah.

Right about now we should be kissing a downy, soft head. Holding a warm wriggling bundle that fits ever so perfectly in our arms, hearts and family. Smelling that sweet newborn smell as we marvel at the wonderful miracle of tiny, new life. I should be feeling my breasts filling with milk for my baby and smiling as he or she slurps and nuzzles. Instead here we sit. Celebrating the moments we did have, and trying not to concentrate on the ones we don't. It is hard to be ONLY joyful, when this empty feeling, this feeling of so much that is missing from our lives, is there.

Today I held a three day old baby that is in foster care. He fit so perfectly in my arms, his soft little cheek resting against my chest. His eyes opened and he just looked at me. I smiled at him and told him what a beautiful boy he was. I told him how sweet he was and I hoped that he felt some of the love from my heart that wells up inside. I was so sad for his mama, who maybe never even got to hold him.

I let my day fill up with lots of activity so that I wouldn't have to "go there" even though my heart was there all along. Then I came home and my sweet husband had bought a rose for our baby. He put it on our baby's grave with a little note and a spray of baby's breath.
I sat out there tonight, praying and asking God for comfort and peace...And He brings it again.

I am tired now, my eyes don't want to be open anymore. They burn from the tears that have fallen.

Mother's day with a new view

Can anyone really expect to recover from such tragedy, considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss? Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper..."

~ Jerry Sittser


I Look To You - Selah
Tears fall as I hear this song tonight. When all my strength is gone...


What is my future? I have pondered this thought a lot lately. So many new adventures that excite my heart are ahead of me. For those who don't know, I took my Postpartum Doula training in fall of 2011. I just finished a Babywearing Educator course last weekend and at both of these events, I met so many amazing women! In summer I will be taking my Labour Doula training and then in fall of this year I plan to take my Baby Loss Doula training.
All three of these doula trainings will work together very nicely. I have found quite a deep passion for and am really looking forward to being a Labor doula; however my heart's cry is supporting women through baby loss. I don't know what that is going to look like in my neck of the woods, but time will tell.
In the quote above, Jerry Sittser says, "Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same." So, what will I do with my "beautiful mess?" (as I have heard this life after baby loss called)


My heart is forever changed, inside and out by my children. I will never look at pregnancy and birth the same way as I did before my losses. I will never look at a newborn baby the same. I have learned not to take those moments for granted because when you have to try to fit a lifetime of love into a moment, an hour, a day, a month, a year or even 3 years, it is an impossible task. There is so much that feels as if it is left unfinished, and can never be fulfilled here on earth.
Oh what I would give for one more hug, one more kiss on her little head, one more moment of time...
I laid in bed with my four year old while tucking him in tonight and watched him fall asleep. He had been kind of wild all evening because he was so tired. It took only moments for him to go to sleep and I laid there feeling his sweet breath against my cheek, watching the fluttering of his eyelids as he drifted off.
There is almost nothing on earth like watching a sleeping child. A child who, only minutes before had been driving you crazy with his silliness, now lays before you almost angelic. His cheeks flushed and his hair tousled from a day of playing, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. I put my hand on his chest and felt the flutter of his little heart, a heart that once beat in my womb, and I am convinced still beats with mine sometimes. How peaceful he looked. I leaned in and whispered into his ear, sweet murmurings of a mother's love. I thanked him for being here. For making it. How did he do it? Why couldn't the others? Hot tears splash the pillow. How very thankful I am that my life has been made so rich by my three children with me on earth.
Now Mother's day is almost upon us again. My heart breaks for so many mommy's I know that will not be holding their baby's on that special day. I know that pain and that longing...I also know a peace and a hope that never fail.
The end of this month, May 31st, marks my due date with Judah. My heart yearns for those moments of my body straining to bring forth new life, and then when that is over, nourishing a tiny, perfect being.  I literally dream of what those moments feel like. These tears are brought back afresh sometimes as ones close to me are due around that same day, and I am happy for them. To see the joy and wonder on their faces as they gaze at their newborn who smells so sweet, there is nothing else like it. 
Sometimes I get angry that loss taints so many areas of life. Sometimes I wish I could say I was spiritual enough, or strong enough or even oblivious enough to not feel the pain, but it is there. I feel it and learn from it daily. This pain has value in my life, only through choice. I have chosen not to let it destroy me. I have so much to learn about this life still, but in the meantime, I will use what I know and what I have experienced to help others. I will sit and get muddy in their puddle with them and show them that there is hope. Even when we don't feel it yet, there is hope.  Our babies stories have been heard and read by many and I will keep sharing about them. It is the only way that I have of being their mommy right now. I will honour them by keeping their memory alive.
So my angels, while I celebrate Mother's Day here on earth with your brothers and sister, know that my heart eagerly awaits the day when we will all be together again. I love you more than words can express Asa, April, Kane, Zoe, Ellie and Judah.

Everlasting Love

Well here we are, almost the beginning of October. Wow, how have that many months passed already in this year. Today, I read with my children. I know that sounds basic, but we had such a great time. I sat on the couch and I had one child on either side of me and one at my feet. When I told my oldest son to choose his favorite comfy place to sit, he said, "I will curl up right here beside you. That is my favorite place to be mommy." MELT! What an opportunity to speak positively into their lives. We talked about harmony in our home and in relationships. We read scriptures (taking turns), we talked out scenarios that we have dealt with or might deal with, we made a craft that required cooperation and being a peacemaker. It was wonderful. Then we sat back again to read a story from Ten Girls Who Used Their Talents, and Ten Boys Who Changed The World. Then on to a DVD about the Galapagos Islands and more discussion on creation and evolution. It was a full fall day.
Tonight I was laying on my bed reading my dear-to-my-heart friend Denie Heppner's blog Sunshine Daze.
She had a picture on her blog entry of the ocean. It made me think of how my life feels right now. I know that sometimes, out where I cannot see it, the ocean roars and is furious with storm, but right now on my own little beach, it is peaceful. The water is shimmering close to the shore as the sun's rays dance across the water. There is a peaceful hope reigning over me, it sneaks up onto the shore and covers my toes as I curl them in the blessed coolness. I take a deep breath in, the air smells so clean and crisp. There is newness washing up with every wave.
My path is taking a new direction. I am beginning a new ministry here that I am confident will be a blessing to many, simply because I know how much it would have meant to me. It is going to be called Everlasting Love.
I will be a chapter of an organization called Holy Sews based in Arkansas. It was started by a mama named Regina whose baby Ryan is also in Heaven. I hope this link works, HERE is the story of the first time Regina hit the road to hand out layettes. So amazing how God looks ahead in time and works things together for good.
I am going to be making layettes for babies are born in the second trimester. I had nothing to dress Zoe in after she was born and what a blessing it would have been to have these little layettes available. Regina is such a huge blessing in my life. She has been so encouraging and patient as we develop this new road together (she actually is doing most of the developing). I am so excited about this and I welcome any volunteers to help. I am starting my list! The layettes consist of a fleece blanket, a flannel hooded blanket that ties around the baby with a ribbon, a teeny tiny hat perfect for their little heads, a small little fluffy bear that can be placed in their arms and a little tiny gown. Sigh.....to give dignity and honor to even the smallest, shortest life.

I will have my own section of space on the web linked from the Holy Sews website and I will have an email address directly associated with the organization. The tags on the layettes from my chapter, and the cards included with the layettes will have Everlasting Love on them in honor of Zoe. Since Zoe was born, I have searched high and low for a gown or gown pattern to make that would have fit her. I want parents to have something to hold, that was in contact with their baby, after they say goodbye to their precious little one and hand him or her over. I believe that these things will bring comfort and be treasured.
I have come up empty handed in my search until recently. I believe God led me to this ministry so that we can reach out to even more people in honor of our babies we didn't get to keep here on earth with us.
This is all totally God, how everything is falling into place so quickly. Within a few weeks, Regina now has 3 new chapters of her organization well on the way to being up and running.
As soon as things are closer to being ready, I will post again about it. Eeeek! I am so excited. Thank you God for the opportunity to show Your love to grieving families. I am humbled and honored to be a part of this.

Bold enough

This is a post I began awhile ago. I just re-read my last post and realized that this one is on the same topic. I guess it is on my heart often so please be patient with me :o)

I have thought a lot about the tears I have cried since Zoe's death. Now a year later, she is still very much part of my identity. Sadly, an invisible part. To many of you, I am just Kiara, Jinaea, Jaron, and Kyler's mom, but you are missing a name. I am Zoe's mom too. I cannot always say that to people and when I don't, I feel guilty for not mentioning her. Like I am not giving her the honor she deserves as my child. How do I make my heart move to the place where I don't feel that anymore? I don't know if I ever will find it.

A few months ago a girl I hadn't seen in a long time came to me a church and after a short time of  catching upon detail of her life, she asked about my kids. She asked about Jinaea and Jaron and said, "This can't possibly be Kyler!! He has gotten so big. Wow, and where is your baby? I can't wait to meet him or her! Did you have a boy or a girl?" I froze. What do I say? How do I tell her? Tears filled my eyes and the smile left her face. I told her that I had a baby girl. I told her a short version of what had transpired. Tears filling her eyes now too, she reached out and hugged me, "I am so very sorry!"

This weekend I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in many months. We were talking about babies and kids and she said, "You have four kids right?" Again, my brain raced, "How do I answer this? Here goes again..." I replied, "Our baby girl was born last summer but she was still born at twenty-two weeks."
A quiet, "Oh," from her, and then awkward silence. 

I will admit I have often had tears spring to my eyes  just from a simple "How are you?" This usually brings about an apology from the person who then feels bad for even asking and "obviously bringing up something that is painful" which then makes me feel bad for making them feel bad. There are times that my tears seem to make others just downright uncomfortable and I wish it was different. Grief is not easy or comfortable for us or for you. No one knows what to say or do. There we stand in that moment, you fidgeting and unsure of what to say now. The tears fall from our eyes and we try to hide them by wiping them away. You have done nothing wrong, your question has just punctures my "I am fine" mask and touched a soft spot in my heart. "How are you?" is an innocent question, in itself very commonplace. Really there are days where almost no matter what a person says, it can bring a flood of tears. Those are the days, I just need a hug, an understanding smile or a prayer. Maybe even all three.  I am not crazy, just hurting in that moment.

Partly the awkwardness is my fault because I too, am uncomfortable and don't know what to say. There have been and are days that I don't even know how to say what I feel. I know, for the most part, people mean well with the things they say.

I know I have some supportive, be-there-through-anything friends and the following things are not true of everyone. Please forgive me if any of this post sounds too presumptuous. I mean no insult. I found some of this list in a pamphlet on helping others through grief. It says what I have not been bold or courageous enough to say in those moments....

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life, and to ask what you can do to help. Even if it means I may shed a few tears.
2. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them (the person who has died), I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me.  The fact that I have suffered a loss is what is causing my tears.  You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you.  Crying is healing.
3. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because this is a large part of my life.  I need my friends and family by my side.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
5. Grieving and what I’m going through is not contagious, so please don't shy away from me.
6. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal.  Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I appear to be smiling or happy.
8. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief.  I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
9. Birthdays, anniversaries of  big days, holidays, and the day I found out, are all terrible times for me.  If I get quiet or withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. 
10. It is normal and good that tough times make us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey.  We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings, deeper, strengthened faith and a closer relationship with God. 
11. I wish you knew the only way I can get through grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it.  I have to hurt before I can heal.
12. I hope you understand that grief and difficult situations change people.  I am not the same person I was before I experienced this nor will I ever be that person again.  If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated.  I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, beliefs and goals. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.

   And particularly in the situation where a baby has died or a person is having difficulty conceiving:

13.  I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them. Our sadness / perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.

14. I hope that you will not avoid or stop calling because you don’t know what to say. Show me that you care and I can lean on you.

15. I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things. (like finding out a friend is pregnant and baby showers)

16. I hope that you will try to put yourself in my shoes. Stop for a moment to think about what you would do and how you would feel if you were in my shoes and use that as your guide to support me.

17. Above all (and I know I have asked for this lots!!) Please pray for me to have strength, peace and healing, especially on the days you can see I am having a hard time. I appreciate your prayers so much.

I know that without God's love and His presence through this, I would not be able to make it through and still smile. I believe that something beautiful can be made from even the worst of circumstances and situations. We have seen God's hand in both small and in big ways all through our lives and I thank Him for that everyday.
If you are going through something difficult I encourage you to reach out. Reach out to God, a good friend, or possibly even a support group. Do not try to handle it all on your own. I encourage you to write like I am. It feels great to air out your thoughts and feelings. It does not have to be on a public domain like this, but even just in a journal. I have had many comments and emails from people who have been blessed or encouraged by me sharing my heart. Yes, there have been some negative too, but now I quickly move those in the folder they belong ;o)  You never know whose life you might make a difference in!