I have been asked to share the stories of my three other babies in heaven so I am going to type what I have written in their memory album. I also wrote two letters to them in the summer of 2005 as well, the year I made the memory album. I would like to post them too
Here is the first....
To my sweet babies,
Oh how mommy loves you and misses you! My time with you was too short. I was not able to give you even one kiss or hug, but my love for you is still deep in my heart.
Although I grieve our separation, I know that your Heavenly Father is caring for you now in a much better place than here. I want you to know that I think of you so often and I look forward to the day when I will meet you face to face. Your memory album is done in rainbow colors. I chose this because every time I see a rainbow, I think of you in heaven and am reminded of God's promise to me.
Asa,
You were our first baby born into heaven after being part of our lives for only 6 weeks. You have been in Heaven for about six years now. At first we called you Sunshine, and we used to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to you every day. You were named Asa David after daddy two grandpas. What a wonderful surprise you were to us, in your brief appearance in our lives. Your little sister Jinny now talks about you and knows she has two brothers and a sister in Heaven. Give them a hug and kiss from mommy and daddy.
April,
Our precious daughter, we were so looking forward to having you join our family. I found out I was expecting you shortly after your brother went to Heaven. We rejoiced several days later when we saw your tiny heartbeat flickering on the ultrasound screen. What a miracle. You were alive and growing inside me.
Then we found out you had gone to heaven, I was four and a half months pregnant. I felt as if a part of me had died with you. You have been in heaven for about five and a half years now. We named you April Iris. That is the month you went to be with Jesus and the night we said goodbye to you, it seemed to fit. Right before I went in to have the D&C after we found out you were gone, daddy brought me a little ring from the gift shop that had your birthstone in it. It was a beautiful, diamond-like stone. I knew you were now in Heaven shining like the brightest diamond. We chose Iris because it is your Nana's name and also it means rainbow. I had never seen a double rainbow before in my life and the day you went to be with Jesus, there was a double rainbow in the sky. It was one of the most beautiful things I had seen. I know that now you and your brothers are smiling on us from Heaven.
Kane,
Your little life ended only after only eight weeks with us. It's been three years since you went to be with Jesus. Oh, how deeply I remember the heartache of losing yet another baby, when babies had been my life long dream. I didn't think there was much more I could handle in that moment. Your name was given to you after weeks of searching for a name. It was so hard to find one that I felt suited you. I believe this fits, Kane means beautiful tribute, golden sunset.
I am writing this letter to let you know you will always hold a special place in my heart. What a wonderful day it will be when I get to finally hold you in my arms outside of my dreams! I feel so blessed to have had you in my life, even for the short time I did.
Love Mommy
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me...forever
Woman sings during labor....
I sang this song to Zoe lots while I was pregnant with her. I was so excited to sing it to her when she was making her way into this world.
Things did not go as I had planned and so the birth plan I had developed did not happen either, but despite everything else, it was still a wondrous night. It was filled with many conflicting things. Joy and sorrow, frailty and strength, hope and disappointment, compassion and betrayal. Even with those emotions, there was a short amount of time where only the wonder of seeing our precious baby girl filled the room.
As I said in my earlier post about Zoe's birth, it took awhile for them to get the bleeding under control so we did not get to see Zoe right away. The nurse kept assuring me that they had her right there and as soon as they could, they would let me see her and hold her. Finally it was time. I felt some excitement building in my heart knowing that I would be holding her soon. My water did not break when I delivered Zoe so the nurse had to break the amniotic sac. I was laid out almost flat on the bed so I could not see what was happening. I looked up at Greg and watched his face. We still did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl.
I heard my nurse say "Okay little one, here we go." She opened the amniotic sac and lifted Zoe's little body out. In that moment I saw Greg's heart melt and his eyes filled with tears. Then some of the best words of the night filled the room...
She had the cutest little feet with the smallest toes including little bitty toe nails! She seemed so fragile, I was almost afraid to move her. The nurses and the doctor told us they would leave us alone for awhile to spend time with her. We spent time just telling her how much we loved her, how sad we were that she would not be coming home with us, how much her siblings loved her, how glad we were that she was with our Jesus, where she will be forever loved and safe. I so badly wanted to sing the song to her, but could not manage to choke out the words between tears. We cried, we smiled, we marveled. We had about an hour alone with her. I would not trade that hour for the D&C that the Dr. was offering to make this loss "easier to deal with because it is just done with then."
I am so glad we decided to carry through with giving birth to her. Some things about that evening are just to intimate of a family moment to share on here so I will leave it at this.
God gave us that hour filled with His peace and I know the angels were standing there with us. I have no doubt that there was probably a tear or two on their faces as well. I know that in those moments God knew what our hearts were feeling.
I love you my precious babies, Asa, April, Kayne and Zoe.
The Lord is my Shepherd. He makes me lie in pastures green. He leads me beside quiet waters that wash over me....Though I may walk in the shadows, Your rod and Your staff comfort me. I will abide at a table in the presence of my enemies......This is a video of a woman named Temple singing while she is in labor. My birth plan for Zoe included this exact song. I loved the thought of another supernatural childbirth like I had with Jaron and I wanted her entry into this world to be filled with so much peace and love that it would follow her all the days of her life.
I sang this song to Zoe lots while I was pregnant with her. I was so excited to sing it to her when she was making her way into this world.
Things did not go as I had planned and so the birth plan I had developed did not happen either, but despite everything else, it was still a wondrous night. It was filled with many conflicting things. Joy and sorrow, frailty and strength, hope and disappointment, compassion and betrayal. Even with those emotions, there was a short amount of time where only the wonder of seeing our precious baby girl filled the room.
As I said in my earlier post about Zoe's birth, it took awhile for them to get the bleeding under control so we did not get to see Zoe right away. The nurse kept assuring me that they had her right there and as soon as they could, they would let me see her and hold her. Finally it was time. I felt some excitement building in my heart knowing that I would be holding her soon. My water did not break when I delivered Zoe so the nurse had to break the amniotic sac. I was laid out almost flat on the bed so I could not see what was happening. I looked up at Greg and watched his face. We still did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl.
I heard my nurse say "Okay little one, here we go." She opened the amniotic sac and lifted Zoe's little body out. In that moment I saw Greg's heart melt and his eyes filled with tears. Then some of the best words of the night filled the room...
"Oh, she's perfect. A beautiful little girl. Ten fingers and ten toes, all there."She wrapped Zoe up and handed her to my waiting arms. The intricacies of God's precious tiny creation almost took our breath away in that moment. I didn't know quite what to expect, but I have felt death on another person before and it has almost always been cold. She was still so warm. Tears of joy and of sadness poured down our faces as we held first one tiny hand and then the other, wrapping her fingers around our fingers. I have never seen such small delicate fingers, such tiny fingernails....a perfectly formed, beautiful little face.
She had the cutest little feet with the smallest toes including little bitty toe nails! She seemed so fragile, I was almost afraid to move her. The nurses and the doctor told us they would leave us alone for awhile to spend time with her. We spent time just telling her how much we loved her, how sad we were that she would not be coming home with us, how much her siblings loved her, how glad we were that she was with our Jesus, where she will be forever loved and safe. I so badly wanted to sing the song to her, but could not manage to choke out the words between tears. We cried, we smiled, we marveled. We had about an hour alone with her. I would not trade that hour for the D&C that the Dr. was offering to make this loss "easier to deal with because it is just done with then."
I am so glad we decided to carry through with giving birth to her. Some things about that evening are just to intimate of a family moment to share on here so I will leave it at this.
God gave us that hour filled with His peace and I know the angels were standing there with us. I have no doubt that there was probably a tear or two on their faces as well. I know that in those moments God knew what our hearts were feeling.
Hebrews 13:5 “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”He understood it as only one who has been there can. He not only saw ahead in time to when we would be sitting in that room, He also placed that nurse there that night. I believe, specifically for us. He has been with us every step of the way, holding me when I cry, He knows every tear that fell from our eyes.
Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.So through all the tears that fall and will fall in years to come, I look forward to the day when I walk into heaven and hear, "Mommy!!!" through squeals of delight. I will be suddenly wrapped in 4 sets of arms that have been waiting to welcome me home.
I love you my precious babies, Asa, April, Kayne and Zoe.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Christmas 2010
Well here we are, two days into the new year and I am excited for the things God has in store for us and our family.
Some significant dates and events have passed and emotions have run up and down.....I am thankful for the hope I feel and the contentment that God has given me. Though this Christmas was filled with love, a missing part was felt as well. There have even been moments I have longed for the missing sleep of those special middle of the night nursing times. I used to love those times with my other kids, in the peaceful silence of night, just me and my baby sharing an experience only ours. Memories of life with a newborn flood my mind.
Hot, happy tears run down my cheeks as I read the status on Dec 19th of a wonderful friend of mine (my doula) who was due the same day as I was:
As Zoe's due date has passed now, I no longer feel like I am still looking forward in anticipation to something that was supposed to happen. Instead it is more the feeling of something being missing. As we opened presents christmas day, Greg and I both found ourselves wondering who would have been holding her......it probably would have been Nana because she can be a bit of a baby hog when it comes to new grandbabies ;o) and how would our morning have looked with her here as well.
Before christmas, I had been on a long search for some type of ornament to represent Zoe that would hang on our big tree this year. We also wanted something special that we could do with the kids to commemorate Zoe's due date. We had a little white christmas tree that we decided we would decorate with the kids, using little pink and silver ornaments.
Just how does one pick an ornament that accurately symbolizes the love for and sacredness of a baby who has died? I am not sure there is such a thing......we searched and searched, finding many options of memorial ornaments but none of them quite fit.
I started to try and think outside the "ornament only" box.....what could we use? We went to the baby section of a few stores with mixed emotions and ended up looking at little socks and shoes hoping to find something. I was starting to think we were going to have to settle for something that was not "perfect." We chose to settle on a set of little tiny newborn socks that I thought we could maybe write her name on. As we turned to walk away I looked over and saw some little shoes that had been hung in the wrong spot. I showed them to Greg and they were cute but not what I had imagined. Then as I hung them back with the others of their kind, I saw at the back of the hook a little white, soft pink and purple pair of shoes with a little butterfly on them. Instantly tears sprang to our eyes and I felt they were as close as I was going to get to what I had been looking for. The butterfly is used symbolically to represent the short lives of miscarried and stillborn babies and how they will always be a beautiful part of the fabric of our lives.
Our search continued for tiny pink ornaments for our little tree. We went to 6 different stores that day. Finally I found some that were the perfect size and color of pink. We headed home to Moose Jaw and mom (who had kept the kids for us while we had some alone time on her due date) met us there with the kids. (Thanks mom!)
After supper we called the kids and Nana to the living room and gathered around the little tree. I had also found little silver cherub ornaments that were on little tiny clothespins.We took turns pinning them to the tree and then we asked the kids what their thoughts and feelings were. They talked about things like how happy Zoe must be in Heaven and how they missed her and how much they had been looking forward to having her here at christmas. We talked about how she was probably worshiping God right then. Then we each took turns praying and thanked God for her. It was another beautiful celebration of her life.
We kept the tree lit everyday throughout the holidays.
My mom wrote a beautiful letter to Zoe and I shut myself in my room, desiring privacy to read it Christmas day. It brings comfort to me to know my mom's heart, to know how much Zoe meant to her, and how much she looked forward to meeting her. I stayed in my room for about an hour while the tears fell....my first breakdown since just before her due date. Zoe was very much a part of our christmas even though she was not physically here. I am grateful that she is in my Heavenly Father's care and is hearing the praises of Angels as they sing. Merry Christmas baby girl, we love you forever and always.
I got this beautiful saying from another website but it had no author listed:
Precious Little One, We had you in our lives such a very short time, but we’ll hold you in our hearts forever. It seemed like only a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to see you, touch you, hold you, love you. It was long enough to know that your life was indeed a gift- no matter how brief, no matter how fragile, Your life was indeed a gift, and we’ll hold you in our hearts forever.
Some significant dates and events have passed and emotions have run up and down.....I am thankful for the hope I feel and the contentment that God has given me. Though this Christmas was filled with love, a missing part was felt as well. There have even been moments I have longed for the missing sleep of those special middle of the night nursing times. I used to love those times with my other kids, in the peaceful silence of night, just me and my baby sharing an experience only ours. Memories of life with a newborn flood my mind.
Hot, happy tears run down my cheeks as I read the status on Dec 19th of a wonderful friend of mine (my doula) who was due the same day as I was:
Wow, what a blessing and life changing event that must have been.....
As Zoe's due date has passed now, I no longer feel like I am still looking forward in anticipation to something that was supposed to happen. Instead it is more the feeling of something being missing. As we opened presents christmas day, Greg and I both found ourselves wondering who would have been holding her......it probably would have been Nana because she can be a bit of a baby hog when it comes to new grandbabies ;o) and how would our morning have looked with her here as well.
Before christmas, I had been on a long search for some type of ornament to represent Zoe that would hang on our big tree this year. We also wanted something special that we could do with the kids to commemorate Zoe's due date. We had a little white christmas tree that we decided we would decorate with the kids, using little pink and silver ornaments.
Just how does one pick an ornament that accurately symbolizes the love for and sacredness of a baby who has died? I am not sure there is such a thing......we searched and searched, finding many options of memorial ornaments but none of them quite fit.
I started to try and think outside the "ornament only" box.....what could we use? We went to the baby section of a few stores with mixed emotions and ended up looking at little socks and shoes hoping to find something. I was starting to think we were going to have to settle for something that was not "perfect." We chose to settle on a set of little tiny newborn socks that I thought we could maybe write her name on. As we turned to walk away I looked over and saw some little shoes that had been hung in the wrong spot. I showed them to Greg and they were cute but not what I had imagined. Then as I hung them back with the others of their kind, I saw at the back of the hook a little white, soft pink and purple pair of shoes with a little butterfly on them. Instantly tears sprang to our eyes and I felt they were as close as I was going to get to what I had been looking for. The butterfly is used symbolically to represent the short lives of miscarried and stillborn babies and how they will always be a beautiful part of the fabric of our lives.
Our search continued for tiny pink ornaments for our little tree. We went to 6 different stores that day. Finally I found some that were the perfect size and color of pink. We headed home to Moose Jaw and mom (who had kept the kids for us while we had some alone time on her due date) met us there with the kids. (Thanks mom!)
After supper we called the kids and Nana to the living room and gathered around the little tree. I had also found little silver cherub ornaments that were on little tiny clothespins.We took turns pinning them to the tree and then we asked the kids what their thoughts and feelings were. They talked about things like how happy Zoe must be in Heaven and how they missed her and how much they had been looking forward to having her here at christmas. We talked about how she was probably worshiping God right then. Then we each took turns praying and thanked God for her. It was another beautiful celebration of her life.
We kept the tree lit everyday throughout the holidays.
My mom wrote a beautiful letter to Zoe and I shut myself in my room, desiring privacy to read it Christmas day. It brings comfort to me to know my mom's heart, to know how much Zoe meant to her, and how much she looked forward to meeting her. I stayed in my room for about an hour while the tears fell....my first breakdown since just before her due date. Zoe was very much a part of our christmas even though she was not physically here. I am grateful that she is in my Heavenly Father's care and is hearing the praises of Angels as they sing. Merry Christmas baby girl, we love you forever and always.
I got this beautiful saying from another website but it had no author listed:
Precious Little One, We had you in our lives such a very short time, but we’ll hold you in our hearts forever. It seemed like only a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to see you, touch you, hold you, love you. It was long enough to know that your life was indeed a gift- no matter how brief, no matter how fragile, Your life was indeed a gift, and we’ll hold you in our hearts forever.
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