My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me...forever

Woman sings during labor....
The Lord is my Shepherd.  He makes me lie in pastures green.  He leads me beside quiet waters that wash over me....Though I may walk in the shadows, Your rod and Your staff comfort me. I will abide at a table in the presence of my enemies......
This is a video of a woman named Temple singing while she is in labor.  My birth plan for Zoe included this exact song.  I loved the thought of another supernatural childbirth like I had with Jaron and I wanted her entry into this world to be filled with so much peace and love that it would follow her all the days of her life.
I sang this song to Zoe lots while I was pregnant with her. I was so excited to sing it to her when she was making her way into this world.
Things did not go as I had planned and so the birth plan I had developed did not happen either, but despite everything else, it was still a wondrous night. It was filled with many conflicting things. Joy and sorrow, frailty and strength, hope and disappointment, compassion and betrayal. Even with those emotions, there was a short amount of time where only the wonder of seeing our precious baby girl filled the room. 
As I said in my earlier post about Zoe's birth, it took awhile for them to get the bleeding under control so we did not get to see Zoe right away.  The nurse kept assuring me that they had her right there and as soon as they could, they would let me see her and hold her. Finally it was time. I felt some excitement building in my heart knowing that I would be holding her soon. My water did not break when I delivered Zoe so the nurse had to break the amniotic sac. I was laid out almost flat on the bed so I could not see what was happening. I looked up at Greg and watched his face.  We still did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl.
I heard my nurse say "Okay little one, here we go."  She opened the amniotic sac and lifted Zoe's little body out. In that moment I saw Greg's heart melt and his eyes filled with tears. Then some of the best words of the night filled the room...
"Oh, she's perfect. A beautiful little girl. Ten fingers and ten toes, all there." 
 She wrapped Zoe up and handed her to my waiting arms. The intricacies of God's precious tiny creation almost took our breath away in that moment.  I didn't know quite what to expect, but I have felt death on another person before and it has almost always been cold. She was still so warm.  Tears of joy and of sadness poured down our faces as we held first one tiny hand and then the other, wrapping her fingers around our fingers. I have never seen such small delicate fingers, such tiny fingernails....a perfectly formed, beautiful little face.
She had the cutest little feet with the smallest toes including little bitty toe nails! She seemed so fragile, I was almost afraid to move her. The nurses and the doctor told us they would leave us alone for awhile to spend time with her.  We spent time just telling her how much we loved her, how sad we were that she would not be coming home with us, how much her siblings loved her, how glad we were that she was with our Jesus, where she will be forever loved and safe.  I so badly wanted to sing the song to her, but could not manage to choke out the words between tears. We cried, we smiled, we marveled. We had about an hour alone with her.  I would not trade that hour for the D&C that the Dr. was offering to make this loss "easier to deal with because it is just done with then."
I am so glad we decided to carry through with giving birth to her. Some things about that evening are just to intimate of a family moment to share on here so I will leave it at this.

God gave us that hour filled with His peace and I know the angels were standing there with us. I have no doubt that there was probably a tear or two on their faces as well. I know that in those moments God knew what our hearts were feeling.
Hebrews 13:5  “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
He understood it as only one who has been there can.  He not only saw ahead in time to when we would be sitting in that room, He also placed that nurse there that night. I believe, specifically for us. He has been with us every step of the way, holding me when I cry, He knows every tear that fell from our eyes. 
Psalm 56:8   You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
 So through all the tears that fall and will fall in years to come, I look forward to the day when I walk into heaven and hear, "Mommy!!!" through squeals of delight.  I will be suddenly wrapped in 4 sets of arms that have been waiting to welcome me home.
I love you my precious babies, Asa, April, Kayne and Zoe.


  1. a beautiful story, so sad but so deep. do you feel comfortable sharing the other babies' stories as well? i'd love to hear them too.

  2. Oh michelle. It took me forever to get the courage up to start reading your blog. U know u think uv dealt with all of ur grief and then I read ur story. I'm balling. I still miss my little Harley. In my heart I know she's with your Zoe, but I'm still having trouble letting her go. U and greg inspire me to lean more not only on god but also on my husband. And realise that the sad times will still come but we can and will be able to think of our babies with joy and happiness. Still praying for u guys!