Be still my soul, be still

Music has always spoken so deeply to my heart and soul.  It can communicate so many thing to me and for me.  These are a couple of the songs that speak right now.....

How my heart feels today........
Evanescence - My Immoral


But this my heart knows.....
Kari Jobe - Be Sitll

Thank you God for reminding me to be still before You.....my heart so needs this.
It is easy to get so busy that we forget to be still before Him.  It is easy allow ourselves to get so busy so that we don't have to face the hard things in life.  Our sermon at church this morning talked about allowing God to make something beautiful out of the mess our lives can become.  The things we go through, the troubles we face, we can let them overtake us and drag us down, or we can use them to help and encourage others.

I have to admit there have been more tears again lately.  I have this deep yearning and ache in my heart to hold my little bundle of warmth.....to experience the birthing of new life that was supposed to be happening soon.  It has been so strong yesterday and today.  In fact if Zoe's pregnancy had gone as Kyler's did, she would have been born this past Wednesday.  I even had a flood of tears tonight when Jinaea dressed our cat in a baby sleeper and brought him to me to hold......he is small enough it feels a lot like holding Kyler when he was a new baby.  She looked at me and hugged me, she said, "Are you ok? (Then a few minutes later) I know mommy......I wanted her to be here too.  I was really looking forward to having a baby sister......I miss her too."
I know that there will come a day that I will hold her in my arms for eternity, but what I have until then is His promise that He will never leave me.  I have chosen hope. I have strength that can only come from Him in these moments. He gives me peace that passes all understanding even when the sorrow wells up again.  I choose to have faith in my God, and trust in His plans for me here, while she waits patiently with Him.
Whatever you are going through in your life I want you to know, there is someone who loves you without any stipulations.  Someone who will be there for you when everyone else fails you. Someone who never fails to come through (even if it is not the way we thought He would or should have). Someone who is talking to us all the time if we would only take the time to listen with our hearts and spirits.
Healing takes time, healing is a process.  It is not something that happens overnight.  I do not always "feel" Him with me, but I know He is there.  There is so much to be learned in the process.  I will never "get over this". There are moments I wish it didn't hurt so much, but it hurts this way because I loved her....that, I would not give up to not hurt.

What labels do you wear?

I saw a skit one time about a bunch of different people, each one of them wearing a sign saying what the world saw them as. Things like rejected, hated, worthless and broken.  Then as each one of them met Jesus and felt His love begin to transform their lives, they turned their sign over to reveal how Jesus sees them, accepted, loved, valued and whole.
Tonight as we were all singing during a service with Twin Lakes Ranch Ministries, I started to wonder what "labels" hung from me right now and are they ones that I want to be used to define me.  I closed my eyes for a moment and this image of myself standing in a dark room came to me.  Words like mourning grief, sadness, heaviness, alone, hurt, broken, unworthy, weak, incapable, failure and many others were being hurled at me.  The weight of these words felt like cement on my arms that wanted to reach out to Him.  When I opened my eyes again I heard in my heart these words........dancing, joy, worthy, valued, fought for, strong, longed for, LOVED.

What labels have you allowed yourself to be defined by?  What lies have you allowed yourself to believe about you?  Take a good hard, honest look at what you have believed and then ask God to show you what He says about you.  Do not let circumstances define what you think about God's love for you or your love for God.  My God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore. He promised me in His word that He would turn my mourning into dancing, that He would turn my sorrow into joy.

Psalm 30:5,11,12
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, To the end that my tongue and my heart and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

I choose to be thankful, and I will always praise Him, through whatever storms may come.

Held in His arms

While the tears fall, I am held again tonight.  I have His promise that I will be held when everything falls apart. When my world comes crashing down around me and my life no longer looks like I had planned, I am held.  I love that.  To know that I can curl up in His arms and lay my head on His chest and hear His heart beat.  What a comfort that is to me.  There is no place safer than that.  He can handle my anger, my sorrow, my hurt, my tears, my joy (yes there are still moments of joy). He can take the sting of death.  And sting it does!  When people around us shy away from talking about Zoe, the death of a child, He can take it.  He does not shy away.  He hears my heart. There is so much more to life and death than just what we see with our eyes.  I have questioned what was God's will in losing Zoe.....or any of our other babies for that matter.  I know there are parents all over the world whose heart have that resounding cry....WHY God, what was your will in this?  Some hearts cry, where were you God?  Where were you when I needed you the most?  Why did this happen?  Why me, why us, why our family?
Well, I am sorry to say you will find no answers here for those questions other than I would encourage you to let yourself be held by Him, it is the only place I have found peace.
What was His plan for Zoe's life?  It says in the Bible that knows the number of our days before we are a spirit here on earth.......I have asked Him, "Was that really all You had for her?"
I know in my plans for her, there was so much more to her life.  I was so looking forward to having a little baby girl again.  I wanted to rock her, kiss her soft cheeks, nurse her, hear her baby giggle, see her being spoiled and loved by her brothers and sisters, dry her tears when she cried, play tea party with her, kiss her boo-boos, put piggy tails in her hair, see her graduate and walk down the aisle in a beautiful gown, and so many other things.
She may not have been much or meant much to you who are reading this, but she changed my life and heart forever.  She caused us and many others with us to dig in deeper to our faith. She made me want to be a better mommy and show more love and kindness to those around me.  Her short life made an impact here on earth for eternity, so I ask you, did she accomplish what God had for her to do here on earth? I believe that because of her, many lives will be changed.  I believe that because of her, strength will be found in places we didn't know it even existed.  Hope will be found and shared, love will pour out and friendships and heart connections will be formed.  Even though she was seen by very few people, she brought something special here that no one else could have done in quite the way she did.
Another part of my heart is waiting for me in a place I can't reach just yet, but until I can, we are both held in His arms.  When I am there, I am comforted knowing she is as well.
As what would have been Zoe's due date is quickly approaching, I find myself needing to be held by Him more often again.  He is faithful.....He is there everytime.