The smile that is on my face, you think it is for real. Is it really?
These days I pretend life goes on. I smile through the days when I am sad. When night falls and I am alone, the tears come. At times so many tears have fallen, I can't even cry right. I was sitting here tonight trying to figure out where I am in all of this. I am frustrated, angry, blessed and thankful, hurt and broken hearted, loved and lost sometimes too. Some have a hard time understanding that, most of the time I can't understand it myself, so I smile.
Music, it brings a different level of depth to my tears. It speaks straight to my heart.
MercyMe has beautiful music that has spoken to my heart many times in the past.
The latest song of theirs that touches my heart is I Gotta Keep Singing
I know this heavy pain will not last forever, I have felt it and walked THROUGH it before.
This miscarriage is different than all the others. Harder, more painful to my heart in some ways. I will be honest, I am angry with my body this time. It failed me and it failed our baby. With all the other miscarriages, our babies died before they entered this world. This time was different. I saw fragile little life move, fight for life and then be still in my hand. I did not want to share this detail with many, but the weight of this "secret" is crushing my heart to keep it inside. Maybe I felt it should be a secret because I am ashamed that my body would betray our baby like this. I don't know.
What I do know is that like the song says, He is the One that keeps my heart beating and the only way I find healing is praising His name. I gotta keep singing. Jesus please sing over me, You are everything I need.