Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
We have been waiting for months now for the results to come in....and they did today. I thought I had prepared myself enough for them but I am not sure about that now.
When Zoe was born we were given the option of having an autopsy and genetic testing done to see if a reason could be found for her death. It was a hard decision to make but we decided to go ahead with it because of having so many other miscarriages and not knowing why for any of them.
Her autopsy came back with no evidence of what happened or why, just that she appeared to be a normal healthy looking baby.
Then I went for blood work of MANY kinds to see if anything could be traced in that. Nothing so far. We are still waiting for a few more test results to come in from the last set of needles.
Today we got a call from the Dr.'s office saying the results of her genetic testing were in.....our specialist had said that because nothing was showing in the blood work and nothing had shown up on the autopsy, that most likely it was a genetic abnormality that caused her death. He said in situations like this where we can find no other answer, that is usually the cause.
So I thought through what the possibilities might be when the results came back and tried to figure out if it really mattered anymore anyway. It did matter to me, simply because I want to fill in as many blanks as I can about this, or as the case is turning out to be, rule out as many things as we can. I prepared myself to hear that she had spina bifida, or maybe one of the trisomy problems or whatever else they might tell me.
I told myself that at least if we knew she had a reason for dying it would make it understandable. That maybe it was true, she was better off (for her sake) not living a difficult life and having to face all the things that those genetic problems involve.
What I did not prepare myself for was if it showed nothing.
The results came back and I quote "Testing shows a completely normal, healthy baby girl."
First my heart thought "thank you God for a healthy baby."
Then I realized we still have no answers.
The tears fell again.
After our other miscarriages I wanted to try again right away. It couldn't happen fast enough for me. This time that is not so. That spot seems to belong to Zoe still right now.
A small part of me wants to try again, but the life that was there is still so fresh and that spot still feels sacred to me.
There are so many what if I had's or maybe I should have's or if I had only known's....they are brought to the surface again now that there is no scientific reason on her part, for her death. Then the questions start to fly around in my head. Does the problem then lie with me? What could I have done differently? Was there anything I could have done to change the outcome?
I cannot go very far with questioning myself because I do not want to open the door to let fear in. I will not go into the next pregnancy being afraid and second guessing myself. I can't allow that.
So far I have been able to manage the subsequent pregnancies after miscarriage without being scared that it would end in miscarriage again.I want that to be the case this time as well.
I trust that Psalm 139:15,16 is true. That the number of days she would be with us was decided from the beginning of time, before she was ever in my womb and I have to be okay with that.
Those 5 months she was here are incredibly special, valued and yes......ordained. Thank you God for a healthy baby girl......