My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Babies, babies everywhere....

It would seem that God has filled my world right now with pregnant women and newborn babies.  At times, literally everywhere I look, everywhere I go, there are bellies growing and the innocence of a new life.
A constant reminder of what I don't have and what is not coming to my life in the next couple of weeks.
It also is a reminder of the hope, promise and joy I have in Jesus. 
We always have a choice in life, how we will respond to situations that arise in our lives. When something doesn't go according to our plan we can choose to be angry and bitter, or we can choose to walk through with hope for the future, knowing God will give us the grace, strength and mercy we need to get through.
We were out shopping the other day and the sound of a newborn baby's cry drifted across the store to me.  It felt almost like a punch in the stomach.  It hurt.
I am very happy for my friends and family that are about to experience the wonder and awesomeness of childbirth, I am sad that I will not be joining them on the journey of new motherhood in the next few weeks.
Today (Saturday) was a "stuffing" day, a day to ignore what I could feel welling up inside again.
We have church again tomorrow. It has been a month and a bit full of baby dedications every Sunday.
Tonight the tears fall like rain.  We talked at our grief support group last week about how cleansing tears are both for our body and for our soul.  Did you know that tears from dry eyes, tears from laughter have a different chemical composition than tears that are cried?  Tears help us get rid of the things that build up in our bodies when we are stressed or upset.  I am glad for tears.  A good cry does make the load a little less heavy.
We had a conversation the other night with a friend about his son who had passed away.  I felt a heart connection with him when he made a comment similar to what I posted at the end of my last blog entry.  He said he felt somewhat better about the ache in his heart when he realized he didn't ever want it to go away. He realized it was okay to have that ache because his son was such a huge part of his life and it meant that his son remained in his heart forever. Sometimes I feel like I am losing it a bit when I find things put away in the cupboard when it should have been put in the fridge or when I go to a drawer and pull it open only to realize that the thing I am after is and always has been across the room in another drawer.  Sometimes I am in the van and I am going somewhere I have been a hundred times before, but I miss my turn or head the wrong way.  I have been forgetting appointments and needing my calendar more and more.  I feel lost even in writing this at times.
It is now Sunday.....
I am humbled by God's unconditional love for me and I know that even when I feel lost, He can use that for His glory.
There is nothing quite like a baby's smile.This morning in church, I was blessed to hold a baby boy for most of the service.  His eyes literally light up when he smiles. My heart melted and I fought back the tears a few times when he would lay his head on my shoulder and snuggle in.  When he laid his little forehead against my cheek he filled a tiny piece of the "empty arms ache" in my heart.  Thank you God for bringing me what my heart needed today.
When I find myself in those situations where babies seem to surround me everywhere I go, I want to hide away at home.  Now, instead of always listening to the urge to just hide myself away, I will continue to love, smile and hope.  Even still.

1 comment:

  1. of all people, you'd think i'd be the first to write my opinion, thoughts + feelings on your blog. but i am at a loss for words everytime i read your entries. this is one of my favorites though... the feeling of empty arms when you carried a child.. so you should have her in your arms has to be the worst, but you are so amazing to keep your head up through the storm. i love your entries they are amazing, although i have had to stop myself in a few im going to try and read through them again! im really glad you've chosen to share your heart <3 i love you ! -kiara