My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Monday, October 17, 2011

Remembrance Walk

October 15th is designated Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day. Here is Moose Jaw and in many other places as well people come together to do a walk of remembrance. We do it for the little ones who were part of our lives for what felt like much too short of a time. Then at 7 p.m. around the world, people light a candle for them.

This year was a little different for me than last year. Last year it was so hard to even write Zoe's name on the memorial card because it was yet another reminder that she was gone. This year, it was more of a celebration of her being part of our lives, as short a time as it was. Don't get me wrong, my heart still hurts that she is not here, but I find joy in closing my eyes and remembering holding her little hands, wrapping her tiny fingers over mine. The night she was born was not only filled with pain. There was a sense of awe and wonder at this amazing little creature. Just like with all my other kids, we did all the things mommies do, marveling at the uniqueness and intricacies that a newborn baby is. Tears did fall yesterday, but they were not tears of desperation and agony. They were tears of understanding for all the other parents gathered there, who hurt over their babies too. There was even a lady there who, 55 years ago to the day, she had a still born son. She came to honor him. This year Jaron was our audio tour guide as he read all of the posters to us as we walked the path. It was easy to see he felt honored to be able to do that for us. We blew some bubbles and took some time to reflect. Greg was asked to share my blog entry and the poem in it at the service. Jaron kept reaching over to squeeze my hand or rub my leg whenever he noticed a tear. Kyler gave me hugs and Jinaea smiled a smile at me through her own tears. This year Della chose the hummingbird as our symbol instead of the butterfly. She chose it because of the beauty and wonder that these tiny creatures bring to our world. Unfortunately I did not get a picture of all the hummingbirds before parents came to collect them. There were many more...

At the walk here in Moose Jaw, we do a ceremonial bird release every year as well. A beautiful white dove flutters up into the air, flying beyond the trees and circles back over top of us and then flies home. If you close your eyes and just listen to the sound of it's wings beating, it is almost like your spirit soars too.

At 7p.m. I lit 5 candles in honor of Asa, April, Kane, Zoe and Ellie. I love the candle holders I bought. I found them just before Christmas last year and knew I had to have them. They speak perfectly to the atmosphere that God brought in the middle of the storm. Love, Joy, Cherish, Peace and Hope.

We could not have asked for a more beautiful day at the park for the walk. Even the fountain was still flowing. There was a slight breeze and lots of sun. The leaves rustled ever so gently as we walked. What a beautiful day it was indeed. This scripture verse holds very true:
Psalm 30:11-12
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
         You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
 12 To the end that my soul shall sing praise unto You and not be silent.
         O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Now for those of you who are curious as to how things are going with baby #9, we are doing well. So far everything seems great. I am thanking God every day and praying over this beautiful little love that God has blessed us with. I have an ultrasound on the 31st and then a Dr appt on the 14th of Nov. The ultrasound will tell us "for sure" how far along we are. Please keep your prayers coming. I am forever thankful for every single one of them!

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