My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ultrasound report....

 I will bless the Lord forever, I will trust Him at all times
This is the song that played through the night in all my dreams on Monday night. I hold tight to these scriptures. I will trust Him at all times, He has made me glad. He is my strength, my shield, my portion.....

There is a silence that hangs in the room during an ultrasound when the technician knows it is not going to be the news you hoped for. It has become all too familiar to me. Body language is a giveaway as well.
They avoid eye contact, most of the technicians I have had, seem very uncomfortable with the tears that they think they will see. At least that is what it seems. There was no screen turned on at the end of the bed for us to watch the miracle of life unfold as the ultrasound wand moved across my tummy. I could slightly see the screen in front of the technician and was watching intently, hoping to see the little form of this baby we loved already. There was only black emptiness. I fought back tears as I laid on the table praying and telling myself I just didn't know what to look for exactly.....maybe the baby was just really small, please God, just let it be that.
I looked at the picture hanging above the bed. A showcase of Toronto Maple Leaf jerseys throughout time.
The picture is a familiar sight as well. It is the same one I stared at while I tried to quiet the screaming in my head when they told me Zoe had no heartbeat.
The technician speaks the same words we have heard with four other babies that have died in utero...."I need to go speak with the Dr and make sure we have all the pictures we need."
And again, when he comes back, the Dr accompanies him with sympathy in his eyes. "I understand you may have some questions about your ultrasound."
He then tells us that his previous diagnosis of a miscarriage was correct, the baby has already "passed" already and what had developed of the placenta is still hanging on. My queasy feelings and tiredness is most likely caused by the placenta still producing pregnancy hormones. "I am sorry we are here again."
I can hold back the tears no longer. We gather our things and head out to the car.
Now home to tell the kids. We pull into the driveway and shut off the car and sit in the silence. Greg tells me he has no words, he doesn't know how to tell them. I don't either. I have had people ask me why we tell the kids about the pregnancy early on before we know that it is a for sure thing.....well, do we ever know it is a for sure thing? In my world we don't, so we tell our kids early on so that we can all enjoy the happiness that comes with the announcement of a new brother or sister joining our family. We do things as a family, even when it is grieving. Imagine my kids confusion and questions if mommy was just all of a sudden in tears often. They would be wondering if it was something they did. In fact, even with knowing what has happened, one of my kids asked me if it was something they did to make me sad. No, I do not regret telling them. We are family and we share in joy, sorrow, thankfulness, blessings, love, celebration and yes, even grief.
So many things have not gone according to our plans for our lives that I have learned to not waste one moment of that which brings joy. Even if the joy is brief, it is still joy and I am glad we share it together. How else do we teach our children that grief is not something to be ashamed of and hidden. Our children learn by example and I want my example to them to be one of honesty and openness not one of shame and hidden truth.
We go into the house and Jaron meets us at the door. "How is our baby?" Tears fall again and we tell him what the Dr told us. Before my friend leaves, she gives me the tightest, longest hug she has ever given me.
I am thankful for her hug. Tears in her eyes too, she says goodbye and we are alone again, just us and our children here on earth. Jinaea comes up and says, "So, how did it go?" I just shake my head. Sadness fills her eyes too. She makes me a card that says I love you mommy. I am sorry about the baby.
Yes, here we are again saying goodbye to a life so briefly shared with us and looking forward to the time we will meet in Heaven. It is very hard to choose a name for a child that is already in Heaven. What meaning should we choose? Do I even want to choose a name again for a baby I will not hold.......I will, but it may take some time.


  1. So sorry for you all. Really, there are no words. just has to run its course.
    I've been there. A miscarriage that led to months and months of an up and down roller-coaster and a hysterical-pregnancy(false pregnancy). Bought maternity clothes, took several tests, went for ultrasounds, the whole bit....because I wanted it so bad. It's almost worse than a miscarriage. I pray that you will find rest, peace and hope for a new day. It will come..

  2. So sorry for your loss Michelle! My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you will all find comfort in your loving Heavenly Father's arms.


  3. Thank you Juanita and Carol. I am sorry for your loss as well Juanita. {{hugs}} I get the rollercoaster analogy, it really is that, but I have a good "seatbelt" holding me in for the ride. I am so glad I do because without Him, I can't imagine how much worse it would feel....

  4. so sorry Michelle, no words, only prayer