My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Kai Nyn.....Even Still

Many will probably ask why I chose this name for my blog.  I used it because it perfectly fits my life.  Bad things happen to good people all the time. What is your reaction when something bad happens to you?  Now by saying something bad, I am not talking about you spilling your non-fat light soy latte on your new white blouse on the way to work.....I am talking something devastating.  Something that changes your life....forever.  Something that rocks you to your core, something that you cannot ignore and brush under the carpet as if it never happened.
Where does that leave you?  Maybe it has left you with questions, hopelessness, with doubt in your mind of God's love for you because "If He really loved me, how could He let this happen?"
We have been in that place many times but each time something inside us says, "Even still, I will trust Him.  Even still, it is not too late.  Even still, I know you are there God. Even still, I will praise Him.  Despite what I am facing I will say even still...You are God."  I refuse to give up until there is no other choice.  My faith does not end when a problem arises.

Whether you need healing in your life, or are looking death in the face........even still.  God is there, He is not surprised by this "turn of events."  He knew we would go through two very painful miscarriages, one at 8 weeks and one at four months, in the beginning of our marriage.  He knew what a fighter I would have to be to live through the aftermath of hemorrhaging from the growth that all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere following the second miscarriage. He knew how strong my faith and hope in Him would have to be to finally get pregnant a third time.  He knew that when I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter, my husband would be diagnosed with cancer.  That we would be told he may not live through this, because this looks really bad.  He saw through time to my tears falling while I sat in the waiting room while my husband underwent a 4 hour surgery to remove the tumor that had invaded his body.  He knew what a hard, scary journey we would face through the healing process of that surgery only to face another 9 hour surgery ten months later when the tumor returned.  He understood what it was going to take for my husband to get through radiation treatments.
He also knew that when my little girl was 18 months old, we would go through another painful miscarriage.
He knew that when our son was 18 months old, the one of rods placed in my husband's spine would break and the whole nightmare of surgery would start over again.
Fast forward to 8 months ago.......He was there in the room when all three test sticks showed two little lines and we were so overjoyed and nervous at the same time.  A fourth baby here on earth.  Our last baby.  Our family unit was complete.  He also saw the nightmare waiting for us down the road four and a half months later.  We were oblivious to it's existence.  So much excitement and planning filled our days.  Singing to the baby, picking names, re-arranging rooms to welcome this new life.  Hopes and dreams for this new one sentence, all came crashing down around us in a pile of rubble so dark and dusty that it felt like it swallowed me whole.  Two sentences, thirteen words.....I have some bad news.  I am sorry, your baby has no heartbeat.  It has been 93 days, 3 hours, 18 minutes and 20 seconds since those words brought a tsunami of grief into my life.  He has carried me and walked with me many steps.  I cannot count the number of tears that have fallen, but He has.  He knows every tear I have cried.  He loves me through it all.
The darkness did not last forever in any of the other situations we faced and morning is coming in this as well.  There are moments of sunshine breaking through and all the while I feel His love holding me and my heart says "Even still."

No comments:

Post a Comment