My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Friday, January 21, 2011

April's Story...part two

The radiologist took a deep breath, looked at me and said,
"I am sorry. Your baby has no heartbeat."
My heart and head felt like they were going to explode. I felt like I couldn't breath, I was drowning in the sorrow that was crashing over my heart. I wanted to tell them to look again, there must be some mistake. This can't be happening again.  The doctor told me everything was probably fine.

They told us to take our time, there was no rush for us to leave. Greg and I collapsed into each others arms and sobbed. We finally managed to gather ourselves enough to head to the elevator. A very pregnant woman was leaving just as we were with a big smile on her face. I stared at the floor of the elevator not wanting to make eye contact. She would hold her baby in her arms soon, and I never will here on earth.  The realization of that hit me like a sucker punch to my stomach. I wished that I had asked for some pictures of our baby before we left the room so that we would have something. I also wished we had asked if it was a boy or a girl, but I was in so much shock at that moment. I felt that the baby was a girl.
We phoned my dad and went to his office to tell him what was happening.  He met us in the parking lot and wrapped me in his arms. Tears ran down his cheeks as well as he held me and let me babble on about how I didn't understand and this can't be real. I don't remember much of what he said to me, but I do remember how tight he held me. We phoned mom and I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone. We talked to friends and our pastors. Our pastors said they would pray because God could restore life into our baby's body. I certainly did not want to go without asking for that if it was a possibility and this walking in faith to this degree was new to us to some extent. The next day I was scheduled for another D&C.  We spent the evening in prayer and reading the Bible to build our faith.
We got to the hospital and I was admitted.  They put me into a room in the E.R. and we waited. We took my Bible with us and read it, finding great comfort in the words on the pages. When the nurse came in, we asked if we could have another ultrasound to see if the surgery was still necessary. She said that there was not one planned. We told her what we had been praying for and why we wanted an ultrasound again.  There was no way I was going in to this surgery without another ultrasound or we might as well have spit in God's face and said we don't believe You would do the miracle anyway....but we did believe He could.
The nurse said, "You can ask the Doctor, but when we have concrete evidence from yesterday that there was no heartbeat, it's not likely to happen. It's a waste of limited resources." Then she left the room.
We continued to pray and read the Bible. Soon the Doctor came in. He introduced himself to us and we did the same. Greg told him that we had asked the nurse about another ultrasound and that she told us to talk to him. Greg said, "We are Bible believing christians and we believe that God can put life where there is none. We also know that if that has not happened, that He will sustain us and carry us through it with His grace."
The doctor turned and left the room!! We were a bit confused and wondered if we had insulted him.
He returned a moment later with a stool. He set it down about two feet from Greg and sat down on it. He took the Bible from Greg's hands and started flipping through it stopping to read a bit every few pages. After a brief silence, he looked up at us and said,
"I believe that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. Because I feel you have a balanced faith, I will give you this ultrasound." 
He then proceeded to share his testimony and pray with us for the next half an hour in the emergency room!  It was awesome!
We went for the ultrasound and the result was still the same, however our faith had been strengthened and awakened that day.
I asked if I could just deliver the baby on my own, because I really did not want to have another D&C. I wanted to see our baby and hold it to say goodbye. I was told that there was too much risk of infection or bleeding and that if I bled too much that I would end up in surgery anyway. Knowing what I know today, I would have stuck by my choice to deliver the baby on my own, but being where I was, I did not.
I was sent up to the ward to wait and Greg left to get a drink. When he returned he had a birthstone ring in his hand for the month of April. We decided that April would be a good name for her, Greg put the ring into his hat to keep it close. We cried some more and said our goodbyes to our baby. We told April how much we loved her. I remember thinking I felt her move again, I said something to the nurse and she said that it was impossible. Babies don't move that early enough that the mom would feel it. It was my imagination.
I knew I had felt her kicks before. I put my hand on my tummy and cherished the last moments I had with her until they took me for surgery.
When surgery was done, I remember waking up in recovery feeling incredibly empty and broken. I cried and cried, so hard that I think I had the nurses worried. Everything was so fuzzy from the anesthetic, I alternated between sleep and awake for the next while. I remember rubbing my flat tummy saying, "I just want my baby back. Please give me my baby back, I miss my baby..." I remember the nurse coming and petting my hair and trying to reassure me. She dried my tears and asked if I needed anything, which opened a whole new floodgate of tears.
They moved me to a room on the maternity ward and I could hear babies crying all around me. As we left, that sound was ringing in my ears and I wished desperately that it was my baby, but I knew that it wasn't.
I cannot explain how I got through the next while except by the grace of God. The peace that passes all understanding surrounded me and I felt like I was in a cloud for a few days. When the grief did hit me, it came hard. I felt anger, I felt empty, but through it all I felt love and hope. I had so many unanswered why's. I knew it was not God that I should be mad at in this.
The strength and peace I had could only have come from Him.


  1. OH Michelle!! Your strength amazes me!! You should share Jinaea, Jaron and Kylers storeys too!!

  2. They are coming. I am working on writing the in between babies stories right now. It will all be posted eventually, lol. It's taking me a little longer because it is a lot to write out! Thanks for your compliment, but it was not my strength at all. I can take no credit for it. It was only God's strength that brought us through.