My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Trust...Pt 2

Con't..... (I am not sure what is up with this post, but I cannot get the background and writing to match the other posts...oh well, it is what it is! :o) )

Hebrews 13:5 . . . God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

 I felt even stronger that He was with me.  I had renewed confidence that things were going to be okay if I trusted in Him.
Dr A. looked over all my tests results and then came to talk to me.  He said,"I am going to talk with  some other Dr.'s in other provinces tonight, who I think may have some wisdom in this situation, then I am going to go home and pray tonight. In the morning I will let you know what my decision is." 
We phoned family and friends and asked them to pray with us.  I didn't want to die, but I did not want to have a hysterectomy either.  I knew that God knew the desires of my heart to be a mommy. I spent most of the evening and night (well when I could in between Morphine I.V. meds if you know what I mean!) crying and talking to God. He promised in Psalm 37:4 that if I delight myself in the Lord, that He would give me the desires of my heart. To me that meant, I needed to be satisfied with whatever the outcome and know that He knows my future. I needed to find the place where I knew I could be okay if I never had children, and I would be okay if I did.  Either way, I could not let it change who God was to me.  

Honestly, part of me was just crying out "God, I want to live. There is so much more for me to do, I don't want to die so whatever they have to do to fix this, do it."  Then the realization of what a hysterectomy would mean started to come back into the picture for me and I started to cry again. It meant I would never hold my (biological) baby in my arms, I would never hear my (biological) child's first cry, I would never get to nurse them, I would never know what it was like to look at God's perfect combination of Greg and I all packaged in a little warm bundle. 

In the morning Dr. A. came in and sat down on the bed to talk with me. 
"I have consulted with colleagues across Canada and through much discussion last night I believe we have a close guess. There are two things that we have narrowed it down to.  The first is placenta accreta, the other is placenta increta, but neither of these completely match what you have going on. Placenta accreta is a severe complication where the placenta has penetrated too deep and has gone past the endometrium into the myometrium. It happens in about 1 out of every 2,500 pregnancies and is treated by surgery to stop the hemorrhage. The other possibility that we came up with, placenta increta, is when the placenta grows even further into the myometrium. Since you have had two D&C's, the likelihood of either of these things being the problem is not very high or the D&C would have cause much bigger problems when it was happening. That is as close as we can get to a diagnosis on this thing. Sometimes in situations like this we can resection around the placenta in the uterus, however this growth is attached to a large section of your uterus so that is not possible. These conditions usually happen while a woman is pregnant, not weeks after a miscarriage and two D&C's later. Now, I talked with a lot of other doctors last night, in B.C. AB, ON, MB and SK. All of them felt that, given the severity of your case, if we do not do a hysterectomy, we are going to lose you.
Since we cannot do the resection, and I would like for you to be able to have babies, I have an option to offer you.  I prayed about it and I feel the best course of action is to give you a low dose injection of methotrexate. It is a drug that is used in the treatment of cancer and though we don't feel this tumor is cancerous, I think this is the right road to take. Now it may not work in one shot, we may have to give you a second injection. If it does work, it probably will take about 2  to 3 weeks for noticeable improvement. Now, methotrexate is a very strong medication, with some dangerous possible side effects but I feel that the benefit will outweigh the risks. The bottom line is if we do nothing, you will bleed to death. I want you to talk it over with your husband and see what you feel it is you want to do."
 This was so much to absorb. Death if they did nothing, a possibility of never having my own biological children, and I was still trying to absorb the shock that I had a tumor growing inside me. Unwanted, uninvited, unnecessary and unwelcome tumor. I am sure that everyone who hears those words feels the same way at some point. There really did not seem to be that much to discuss when Greg came to the hospital, we both wanted me to live! We would go ahead with the injection. Forms were brought for me to sign, then they gave me the injection.
To be continued in part three...

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