My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Asa's story...

The making of my memory album has been another step in my healing process.  It has taken me 5 years to be able to take a close look at these memories again, enough to write them down.

Greg and I were married in August 1998.  We wanted to start our family right away.  I did a test every month and the result always came back a disheartening negative.  I know there are many who face this continually month after month, year after year and my heart goes out to them, I cannot imagine the weight of that...
In early December, I went to the Dr for a UTI and she asked if I would take a pregnancy test. It came back positive and I was elated. I was only about 3 weeks pregnant at that point. I was sitting in the chair waiting for blood to be drawn and I put my hand on my tummy and whispered, "Hello little one!" (I whispered because I did not want the lab tech to hear me and think I was crazy talking to myself!)  I wanted to surprise Greg with the results because he didn't know I had taken the test. I could hardly keep it to myself!!
I tried to be sneaky making Greg a card on the computer that night to give to him the next day. In the morning I gave him the card right away. It said, "Congratulations, you're going to be a daddy! We finally did it!"
We started to plan what we would need to buy and started looking at names. We sang "You Are My Sunshine" every day to the baby. This baby was to join our family July 7, 1999.  By mid December I began spotting. The doctor told me she would monitor my hormones for a few days to see what was happening.
On December 19th, when I went back to the doctor, she said I was having a miscarriage and that it was "Probably for the best. Your baby was probably retarded anyway.  That is why most of these things happen." I could hardly believe my ears! How could anyone say something like that. Tears started to pour down my cheeks as I felt my dreams and hopes slip through my fingers.  My doctor scheduled a D&C for me the following day.  We went home and spent the night trying to absorb what we were facing. We said goodbye to our baby Asa on December 20, 1998. I was in shock over everything. People kept telling me, "Don't worry, you'll be pregnant again very soon. After a D&C it happens very quickly again."
I wanted Asa, not a replacement, but we decided we wanted to try right away again.

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