My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Trust...Pt 6

It is so amazing to be writing this out and remembering back to all the times God has seen us through trials and hard times. Sometimes I think we tend to forget all the miraculous things God has done and how much grace and mercy we have been given.  We get so caught up in what is happening now, sometimes losing the focus of where our trust needs to be. He is our sanctuary that we need to run to. We need to abide in Him because if we do, the trials are not so hard.  We have learned and grown throughout the years enough to be able to trust at the first sign of trouble, but that does not mean that the devil does not try to plant seeds of doubt. Our part is to resist.

I was back in hospital for 9 more days after the hemorrhaging. There was still a chance of me needing a blood transfusion if my hemoglobin did not come up quickly enough. I later learned that my step dad had offered to donate blood for me if I needed him to. That really meant a lot to me. I thought it was such a very loving gesture. There wasn't much else he could do for me, but he offered what he could. I love him for that. I spent my days eating iron rich food to try and bring my hemoglobin back up and resting. Each day brought a better report of my levels climbing back to normal. After about 5 days, I had enough balance that I could go to the washroom and shower by myself again. It was a very long haul for Greg as well. He spent as much time as he could with me between sleep and work. He was there by my side through it all.  I am so thankful for him. He helped me so much through those days. Like my brother, he brushed my hair for me, helped me with daily routine things, prayed with me, read the Bible with me, entertained me, brought me yummy food, took me on many walks in the wheelchair to break up the hours. Toasted bagels with cream cheese became my favorite snack! We have some good "date" memories while I was there. He has continually loved me and supported me through many hard situations in life. I cannot imagine walking this road without him by my side.

Another person I need to mention on here is my mom. When I first went into the hospital and they had found the tumor, I did not want to be alone. My mom stayed with me as long as she could in the room and then when the nurses told her she could no longer be there, she slept in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room, just for me, in case I needed her. I love my mom lots, she has been there by my side through every difficult circumstance in my life, never waivering in her love. She has prayed me through a few near death experiences now! Sometime I want to get her to write about when I was a baby and almost died and I want to post it on here too. I was glad my close family was there with me when I was in that ER room, it brought me comfort. In those scary moments, I knew that should I die there in that room, (other than my brothers and "married in" parents) everyone I would have wanted to see in my last moments was right there with me.

I had many visitors throughout my time in the hospital and to each of you I say a big thank you! Being in the hospital, the days can get very, very long and it was so nice to have it broken up by company.

Dr. A came to see me on the second day after I came back to the hospital to discuss his plan with me.
He told me we needed to keep the bleeding under control for an extended period of time to ensure it would not start again. The medication that he suggested to do that with was called Lupron. It would put me in menopause for six months. I would receive one injection a month for six months. I asked him how long it would be until we could continue our dream for a family. He told me I needed to have 3 normal periods after my last injection before we should start trying again for a baby. (I am grateful to live in a province where I don't have to pay up front for medications. Each Lupron shot was somewhere around $348.00 according to my receipts. Yikes! Thank you province of Saskatchewan)
Well, each of the next six months I faithfully made my way to the drugstore to pick up my Lupron shot and then to my Dr.'s office to have Dr. A. administer it. (It has to be given in a "z" pattern...can you say OWWWW)
After the six months was up, it took me about a year before I had three normal periods. We initiated operation baby Dueck as soon as we could. It seemed it was taking forever for me to get pregnant. I was very frustrated at times, but trying to maintain a positive outlook knowing I just had to trust that it would happen in His timing. I confess I was not always happy and positive though! My friends around me were popping out babies left, right and center. There were young teen mom's around me having babies that they didn't even want, and here I wanted one so badly. I didn't understand.....

Let me back up for a moment. When I got out of the hospital after April died and back to regular life, it was such a whirlwind that I did not really take time to allow myself to grieve properly. I did not even know what that meant. I wish we had found a support group then because physical feelings and emotions would have made a lot more sense to me if we had.  I had no idea what to do with the storm that was inside of me, I didn't know what it even was. I don't think I would have called it grief if you had asked me then. I just thought something was wrong with me and that I was turning into a horrible and somewhat crazy person.
I was happy for those around me having babies, but at the same time was jealous. I wanted someone to understand how terrible I felt. There was this huge emptiness inside of me that, according to those around us, we were just supposed to get over. I didn't want to leave my house, if I was in the mall or at church and someone was approaching with a baby, I had to turn away. I could not even look. If I heard a baby cry, it made me almost physically sick. I had to do some deep breathing and concentration to not vomit. I had dreams where I would see my dead baby. I thought I was going crazy. There was absolutely no way I could hold a baby, being near one made some sort of anxiety attack happen inside me. I was trying to figure out how a person who wanted a baby so badly was feeling all these things.
This was so opposite of the person I used to be and I didn't understand it at all. Before, if there was a baby around, I was usually holding it and it brought my heart so much joy. I didn't have anyone to talk me through this and tell me that what was happening was all normal. Well meaning people said all sorts of things to try to comfort or encourage us, but a lot of times it was insulting and hurtful.
They would say things like, "Well, you can always adopt." "At least you were spared from raising a handicapped child." "You'll have another." "God just wanted/needed your baby more in Heaven." "It was for the best anyway."  None of it made sense to me, and none of these statements brought me any comfort.
This all was brought back to my memory as we sat in our grief support meeting at the beginning of this month. As the leader was talking, I began to have flashbacks of emotions and physical feelings. It all started to make sense to me. I was not horrible or crazy back then, I was grieving.
I started having anxiety attacks. I don't know exactly when they started but they grew so strong that I got to the point where I would have to pray myself to sleep. If Greg fell asleep before me, I would wake him because I couldn't stand to be "alone." He was so patient with me, fighting sleep and praying for me until I would fall asleep. He did not once tell me to get over it or leave him alone, he was just there right beside me for whatever I needed. (Although there were jokes from time to time about buying a rubber mallet to knock me over the head with some nights ;o) ) It got to the point where I had to sleep with my Bible under my pillow in order to get any rest. I didn't know how to fight this fear that seemed to be taking over my life.

A friend of mine had told me about a book called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. She told me it had all kinds of wonderful prayers in the back of it that had really helped her through her struggles with getting pregnant. I finally got the book months later and in the back was a prayer to deal with fear. I think it took me about a year of praying that prayer before I felt strong again. I prayed the prayers in it every single night, I had them stored in my memory so that every time I started to doubt or felt fear coming against me, I knew exactly what to do. There is no doubt in my mind that God has delivered me from these attacks. I am so thankful for that. Fear really is torment, but it says in 2 Timothy 1:7 that God has not given me a spirit of fear. I knew that hsi fear did not belong in my life.  1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."
My love is not yet perfect!  I have come a long way in being able to resist the spirit of fear when it tries to come on me, but I still continually need perfecting through Him.

About the end of April or beginning of May 2001 I got pregnant again. WOOHOO!!! Thank you Jesus!
Our miracle baby was on the way. My heart was so very full of joy and anticipation to see this miracle happen before our eyes.
Jerimiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts and plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I did not know what the future held for me, but I knew I could trust the One who did, no matter what.
The day that we found out, we went out for supper with friends of ours to surprise them with the news and celebrate. We ordered our food and told them we had a surprise for them. We told them our good news and Dawnell squealed with delight and ran around the table to give me a big hug. It was an awesome reaction. Barry had one of the biggest grins on his face and promptly said that it must have been due to the kiss he gave me on the cheek a few weeks ago, what a guy.
And so our journey of parenthood continued.

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