My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15,16

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands… Isaiah 49:16a

Sunday, January 23, 2011

We need to trust enough be willing to walk on water through the storm...

Those who are queasy about blood or don't feel comfortable reading about "female problems" do not continue reading.

In telling the stories of our babies, I also need to include some of the times in between babies too in order to give you a complete picture.  I love telling about all the amazing miraculous things God has done in our lives. It is only by His grace and power that we are still here because what the devil had intended for evil, God is using for good.  God has a unique plan for each one of our lives and in living that out, we sometimes face things we don't like. If we continue to walk with Him, He will make a beautiful masterpiece of all that we thought was a mess.  God does not just see us in this moment, He sees our entire life all at the same time, and our life is an intricate part of a master plan. Sit back it's a bit of a long read, there's lots to tell and I am so thankful there is! I will have to do this in a few parts...

After April died, I had a D&C on April 27, 1999. I knew some bleeding was normal afterwards but had no idea what the road was ahead.  On May 14th I was still bleeding and went in to see the doctor from the E.R that had cared for me through April's D&C.  I will call him Dr. A.  I was told that the bleeding was heavier, probably because there was a piece of placenta left in my uterus that was causing problems. I was sent for yet another D&C, my third one. I went home from the hospital after and days passed waiting for the bleeding to stop.

On May 27th, exactly one month to the day we said goodbye to April, I drove Greg to work.  The bleeding was still fairly heavy. I said goodbye to Greg and he left to go on a two day trip.  I felt a rush of warmth and knew I needed to go to the washroom immediately because something was wrong.  Thank God Greg's cousin was the only other one working that day, it saved me some dignity! I went to the washroom, my pants were soaked with blood by this point. I tried my best to clean up, but was not getting very far so I made my way back up the hall to leave. The rush of blood had seemed to slow for the moment. I knew I had to get to the hospital quick. Greg was already gone, we had no cell phone at that time, so there was no chance of him taking me, I had to go myself. Looking back this was a very dangerous move and if it were ever to happen again, I would call the ambulance or at the very least, someone to drive me. 
I called and asked my cousin to meet me at the hospital and got in my car apologizing for leaving a mess behind...(I am sure I do not need to elaborate here ;o) ) Greg's cousin was worried about me and was not sure I should drive, but I felt okay so I said I would go straight to the hospital. 
They got me in almost right away at the hospital, though the bleeding was considerably slower by the time I reached the hospital.  I was put in a room to wait for an ultrasound and a few other unpleasant procedures we women endure. The hard part for me, this was a teaching hospital and so being such, I got a new E.R. staff member who did not quite know what she was doing.  The pain of the procedure that followed was immense as they tried again and again to get the specula at the right angle and even when they thought they found it, I was positive they didn't because it felt as though they were trying to rearrange my hip bones.  Finally it was done and I waited a while longer for the ultrasound. I was sent up about 2 hours later for the ultrasound and from that point on, I remember thinking God, this is not where I ever imagined I would be right now!

They found a tumor in my uterus. In the two weeks since I had the last D&C, this tumor had grown to the size of a three month pregnancy.  The pace of the medical staff started to pick up quickly.  There were Dr's coming in and out and muttering to each other in low tones discussing what they were seeing. There were students coming in and out, at least five different Dr's came and looked at the screen and the images.  Then they decided they needed a clearer image and a different view of the tumor so I had to have an internal ultrasound. Again, more Dr's.

I was starting to feel scared but was trying to resist fear as best I could. I knew that God held me in the palm of His hand. "Jesus I need you. You are my healer and this is not too big for you." There are certain character attributes and fruits that only grow through trials. I don't believe God made me sick, I believe that I can learn from that problem though if I have the right attitude when I am faced with it. God has healed me and protected me lots of different times throughout my life and I knew that this was no different. So, even though I felt fear there waiting if I wanted to allow it to come over me, I knew God was with me in that room as well and my life was in His hands. Trusting God has to be a decision that we make for our lives.  Trust does not mean we continue to reason and look for answers to things.  It can drive us crazy. It says in the Bible that we are to PUT our trust in God. We have to choose where we put our trust.

I remember watching the ultrasound screen when they turned on the monitor to check the blood flow and there was a large amount of blood flow back and forth between this tumor and my uterus. The tumor almost filled my uterus and was joined to it all across the top and somewhat down the front wall. 

The Dr. I had seen in Emerg upon arrival decided that my case would best be handled by another specialist colleague of his, so he brought in Dr. B.  Dr. B. was a very sweet lady OB/GYN and I was very thankful to see a kind face like hers.  She was very caring in how she talked to me and tried to explain what she could about the things that were going on.  The bleeding was increasing again.  I was in quite a bit of pain. I was kept in hospital while they did over an hour long MRI and other tests. A couple mornings later Dr. B. came to see me again.  She said they were still having trouble figuring out exactly what this tumor was and how to deal with it.  She went on, "I need to talk to you very clearly and make sure you understand what we are facing here honey, this is very serious. We cannot do another D&C to remove this, you would bleed to death on the table.  We cannot do surgery to remove this because it would leave a gaping hole in your uterus.  The tumor as far as we can tell is not cancerous. We do not know what is causing it, but we do not feel it is cancerous.  We need to get this bleeding under control or you will die. Our other option is a hysterectomy and because you are only 22, I am not willing to do that unless there is no other option. I know you want babies and I am going to do all I can to keep that a possibility for you. We have not been able to come up with a definitive diagnosis yet and so we are going to bring another Dr. in on this because I feel he may have some guidance here for us."  A little later in the day, she returned with the colleague I was being transferred to.
It was Dr. A!!!!  To be continued......


  1. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhkkkkkkkkk! suspense!!!!!!!!

  2. I wondered if/when you would share this part of your story - I'm glad you did. It's an important piece. I remember the first time you told me this story I immediately thought - "wow, she's faced some serious obstacles but it is so evident now looking back that God was always in control....". He loves you so much Michelle - and your love for him is ever showing.